Darkness, Is It?
It has been six months and four days since my college life started. Miles away from home, here I am sitting in some corner hoping to make my mark on the world someday.
Yes, people say it’s exciting, living out of the house, being all independent, studying what you’ve always wanted to pursue, exploring life, travelling, meeting new people, making new friends, trying new cuisines, the late nights, the early mornings, sudden trips, endless conversations, millions of photos; and the list never seems to end.
What happens when its 3am in the morning and you are lying in your bed? Thinking about everything, starting from your first heartbreak, the first love, the first dance to the first drink, the first smoke, the first lie, the last goodbye.
Hoping that if you close your eyes you’ll magically teleport in the arms of someone you love. Oh, that smell, that familiar touch, those dreamy eyes, that shiny hair, the smooth curves, that never-ending hug, that long kiss; one could just dive into it and never come back.
Hoping that if not that, you’ll get a message from your close friend saying they miss you. Would feel nice, wouldn’t it? That small smile which would linger on your smile until you’ve fallen asleep.
Or wait. Or a call from someone you’ve been waiting for days to talk to. Like counting every second of your day in the hope that if you heard them, if their soothing voice enters your ears all your nerves would just calm down.
It doesn’t happen. Does it? No. Doesn’t. You keep waiting and waiting until there you are in the darkest of your thoughts. Getting in touch with the worst of your desires. And not until long, you’ve pushed yourself in a place from which you could never come back. Maybe you wouldn’t want to. It feels safe in there, the pain seems less, you’ve supressed your feelings, your hope and met the deepest darkest secrets of your life.
one generally has a tendency to underestimate hope.
Hope can be a scary thing. It has the power to make a sane person go insane. In all this mess, you realise the importance of need. You finally realise what are the things in life that you actually need and can’t go without. The career, the money, the fame everything comes down to being ‘wants’. What one longs for is that ‘home feeling’, for even one second, that one split second, would elongate the survival a little more.
I don’t know which is worse the hope or the darkness. I don’t think I can differentiate between the two anymore.
I think it does feel sad, but then… when I think to myself again and ask, does it? Do I even feel anything? Or have I been jumping in the two worlds so much that I no more know what reality is, where do I actually stand. Where do I want to stand…?