Author Archives: TinyLittleBeliever
Once upon a time a girl met a boy. Seeing him made her curious, but talking to him made her really want to be a part of his life. He was fascinating, not like all boys. There was something about him that kept drawing her towards him. It didn’t matter to her how she was around him, but at the same time she always thought on how she was in his presence. But, all she knew that she had to find a way to talk to him, to get to know him, least get to hear him again. It couldn’t end in one meeting, there was more to it, she knew it from the start. One meeting was just a start to something new, something exciting. And the talking did start, to her surprise, with a bang. Small talks were never a part of their relationship. It was always long conversations from dusk to dawn. How she loved losing her sleep over his mesmerizing voice and endless stories. It felt like he held her hand and took him in to another world. Where it was just the two of them and all his stories surrounding them.
Something about the 1st meeting
Which excites us all somehow.
Memories take us back to a lane
Where we all wish to stay till long.
All these times have a way of fleeting
And keeps bringing us back to ‘now’.
It feels like one will go terribly insane
The way one drowns in a song.
There are so many times when he asks me why I call him Harvey and I all tell him is that because he is so full of himself, which in reality, no doubt, is true. But, this isn’t the only reason why in my heart he is My Harvey…
He is pursuing his masters in marketing right now. Yeah, My Harvey isn’t a lawyer. But, if he would have been one, he would have been the best closure in the world. Nonetheless, his new college has a reputation to work up all their students to a level where they barely get to sleep for 3 hours also peacefully. So, here I am watching him work his ass off every single, every single night, so that he can be a little closer to the goal he wants to achieve in life. His dedication, drive, motivation, every action, reminds me of how Harvey Spector, when started his career as an associate worked hundreds of longs, day in and day out, giving the least importance to what time of the day it is. And, now when he enters his office, no one has the guts to question his ability to handle a case. The way I see My Harvey work makes me believe that one day he is going to enter is own office not being questioned by anyone as to if he will get the job done to its best or not. Cause his reputation will precede him. I am not just saying this because I believe in him or have a lot faith in his work. I can say this confidently because I can see it with my own eyes how much of hard work he is putting into everything so that one fine day he can sit in his office, enjoy the view, sip whiskey and tell himself that he finally made it.
I call him Harvey because trust me he can convince you that caring only makes a person weak. But, I can see right through him. He’ll tell you that nothing else will matter in his life leaving work, but I know there are moments when he wishes for his family’s comfort, his friends company, his peaceful cup of coffee. He will do anything for family. And by family I don’t just mean mother, father or sister; you’ll know if you mean family to him because he’ll be there, in times of need or not, one will not even have to ask him to be there, he’ll just understand by himself.
For him life is not like this, it has to be like that. On that level which gives him a kick every single morning he gets off his bed. The high which no drink or no smoke can get. The confidence, the power, the passion. That will be his life. Settling has never been an option for him and will never be one even in the years to come.
But behind the cage of steel lies the soft heart he protects. The special one who he will love, will have his heart. He will let his guard down and love her with everything he has. You know he won’t leave her. There will be ups and downs, but nothing that his charming smile and understanding mind won’t fix. They will carry each other. Both will know they can be vulnerable in front of each without the fear of getting hurt in return.
Like the Harvey in suits, he will never back down or give in a situation. Because if the first option doesn’t work there are 187 other options he’ll bring up to turn the whole table around in his favour. Never a quitter, always a winner. Because if they put a gun to your head and corner you, take out a bigger gun, or break the goddamn wall.
Even after all this, as the painting made by Harvey’s mom meant so much to him; It is surprising to see how he has so much in his world but still never stops giving the little things, the little gestures immense importance. He carries it his heart, he’ll carry it forever.
He can be your best dream or your worst nightmare. Just depends on how you treat him.
I stay up all night
Awaiting for that one text.
Knowing you are missing me
Even when you’re in that mess.
The longings never seem to end
What can I do lying here?
Trying to remember your pretty face
And the way it bought my heart to dance.
Waiting for that one ‘Hi’, that one ‘hello’
Hoping my screen would light up.
You know my face would surely do
Even brighter than the sun does.
You think it’s because I’m alone
But trust me I’ve been there.
Standing between the crowds
Wishing I could hold you and apparate.
My mind knows the wait would soon end
But the heart cannot be fooled.
It makes every second last longer
Making the crave to meet you day by day stronger.
I know I want to hug you
We know it won’t happen.
But the eyes will be exchanging looks
Keeping us closer till they can.
Take me away with you
So that I can remember what it’s like to be free.
Take me away with you
So that I can remember how sunshine makes me feel.
Take me to a time
Where you are mine.
Where the curve on your lips
Can be felt by my kiss.
Take me away with you
To a place where nothing else matters.
Take me away with you
To a place where there’s no chaos and clatter.
Take me to a time
Where everything feels divine.
Where the sound of your heart beating
Is the only sound I can be listening.
Take me away with you
Where I can dance like one’s watching.
Take me away with you
Where my wings can fly without anyone catching.
Take me to a time
Where I can have a glass of wine.
Where I’m sitting near the shore
Thinking of you and nothing more.
Just take me away with you..
So that we can start by the things we’ve always wanted to do..
You seem distant,
But not gone.
To endless conversations at night,
Which used to last till dawn.
The longing to hear your voice,
Comes to my mind now and then.
Such posts remind me of you,
Asking me our next meeting is when.
The answer to this question,
Is as lost as it can be.
But the heart hopes for sure,
That the time is not too far to see.
(Some relations are beyond anyone’s understanding.)
His favorite memory with me,
That’s what I asked.
All he could think was about,
The first kiss we had when it rained.
The moment I read this,
The corner of my lips glimpsed a smile.
My heart danced a little,
Even when I read that text after a while.
Took me back to that very day,
Reliving the memory again.
In that moment,
I couldn’t feel any pain.
I was busy in telling him,
That it better not stop raining.
He had a cold of his own,
Couldn’t think straight about what he was wishing.
In the car,
We both were.
Stuck in traffic,
Surrounded by cars here.
He told to come out of the car,
I was taken aback in that moment.
Opened the door and came out,
For not once cared about the government.
We took our steps,
Stood in front of the car.
In the middle of the road,
There we both were.
He grabbed my waist,
And didn’t wait another second.
Kissed my lips,
And made my knees almost bend.
We came back inside,
With racing hearts.
The looks of people around us,
Seemed like shooting darts.
Everything happened so quick,
It took me all by a start.
Finally I had time to think,
About a new firsts we could add to our cart.
This moment would stay forever,
In the ocean of memories.
He made it so special,
I’ll carry it within me for centuries.
Sitting beside the window,
Gazing at the night sky.
All I can think about him,
And do is cry.
The laughter in his voice,
The smoothness of his skin.
Longingness to meet him,
Never seems to end.
He’s lying there on his bed,
Thinking about everything but me.
Here I’m missing him so much,
The old photos are the only thing I can see.
He seems happy in his life,
With friends and family around.
Did I not make a difference,
When I was there all along?
Doesn’t he miss my smell,
My smile, my voice?
The excitement around him,
The way I miss his smile?
Little can I understand,
When I’m drowned in all this emotion.
Wish he was here to help,
To comfort me from all this commotion.
Nothing seems enough,
Because he is not here.
All I want is to jump to the place,
Where he is home there.
There is not much that I want,
Just one sign of care.
Or that one sign,
That I mattered.
Is it too much to ask,
From my love?
But what can I say,
When I myself am in discomfort.
Happiness is long due,
It is time for it to come.
Hope is the only string I’ve held,
That is keeping me in sense.
Log kehte hai “Pyaar dosti hai”. Ki agar woh meri sabse achi dost nahi ban sakti toh main usse kabhi pyaar kar hi nahi sakta.
Par, mere liye “Dosti pyaar hai”. Ki agar main usse sabse zayada pyaar nahi karti toh woh mera sabse acha dost kaise hoga.
Beetein waqt ko sudhar nahi sakti.
Joh gum diya tha usse bhula nahi sakti.
Ab joh sambhali hoon thori si,
Tum se yeh duri badha nahi kar sakti.
Never longed to meet someone so much. Never longed to meet him so much. The recurring thought of running towards him and giving him a *tight* hug never seems to tire my mind.
Yeh waqt cheez hi aisi hai,
Joh itna intezar karvati hai.
Dil ko sambhalna ho jata hai mushkil,
Yeh itna usse machla joh deti hai.
Time and perception play a fun game with us. Time remains constant but the perception of time enjoys messing our heads up. Time seems to pass by with a blink of an eye when we want it to be slow so that we can enjoy every single moment. But sometimes it’s so slow that one second feels like a lifetime when you want it to pass by within a flick made the finger.
Khushi joh tumse mil kar hoti hai,
Woh tum kya jaano.
Dil mein sab chupane ki koshish rehti hai.
Par yeh aankhe dhoka dena se Peeche kabhi nahi hati hai.
The eyes reveal what the heart tries to hide. The smile on my face also doesn’t stay back to tell all about my cries. You have a way to look right through me, like an open book I’m to you. Read me again, till you’ve known everything. The darkest of fears, the brightest of ideas. ‘Cause it keeps missing you like you would miss your coffee in the milk.
Blogging, music, art, sketching.
These are a few things that I can’t survive without. They help me escape, taking me to a whole different world. Where it’s just me and my thoughts.
It’s like they hold my hand and take me places, making me feel excited about feeling anything.
My head would probably explode if I leave (or stop) any of the above things. They help me create my horcuxs just like Voldemort did in Harry Potter, but in a good way.
To write is to believe.
To draw is to believe.
The letting oneself loose into music is to believe.
Sometimes belief is all we have.
Sachchi mohabbat shaayad wahi hai,
Jis mein junoon hai, jis mein junoon hai.
Par do dilon ki yaari mein bhi to,
Kitna sukoon hai, kitna sukoon hai.
De ke mujhe teri judaai mere rab ne mujhe paighaam diya.
Here, I am sitting under the big blue dark sky, looking at those twinkling stars and gazing at the moon. I’ve the ear phones in my ears, one song on repeat and just one thought in my head.
(Wish he was here so I could just hold him and sit, not utter a single word and just enjoy the silence.)
The song I’m listening to says:
In true love there is immense passion no doubt, but friendship of two hearts, this pure bond is filled with an ocean full of peace.
And through our separation, my God has conveyed this beautiful message to me.
This songs melts my heart or lifts it up. It pulls me down or pushes me up. It electrifies every nerve ending in my body or ends up making everything numb. It takes me back to the first time I met him or to the next time I’m longing to meet him. It reminds me of the happiness of the relationship or its sadness. I don’t know.
All I know it is magic. Yes, magic. It does something beyond my understanding. Makes we feel weird, in probably all ways. The song is like a drug. It drowns me in each and every lyric of it. It takes me to a place where I feel everything the song wants me to experience, like a parallel universe. Where nothing else matters.
Isn’t that what music does? But this song! It’s does it on a totally different level.
He’s always missed.
Na Kuch Poocha, Na Kuch Manga
Tune Dil Se Diya Jo Diya
Na Kuch Bola, Na Kuch Tola
Muskura Ke Diya Jo Diya
Tu Hi Dhoop, Tu Hi Chau
Tu Hi Apna Paraya
Aur Kuch Na Janu, Bas Itna Hi Janu
Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai, Yaara Mein Kya Karun
You take care of me like a little baby, you tease me like a little sister and you have deep conversations with me like a friend. 🙂
I still don’t know what I mean to you. But I hope I always have a special place in your heart no matter how many people come in or go out of your life. The cute annoying little constant of your big adventurous life. 😛
It’s your birthday. 25th of April. The day is finally here. I know you don’t get much excited for birthdays but I hope this time I could make one exception. From talking to your friends to completing your gift, all I wanted to be right next to you on this day. Irritating you, annoying you, jumping around the house wishing you, eating your head up, give you squirmy hugs and just not letting you. Making you sing, dancing like crazy. Me being high on you and you being high on alcohol. Going for a long drive with beautiful music in the car. Walking down the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves and talking about anything and everything.
But, reality had to kick in and take this all away. Manipal and Kolkata, miles away, the distance keeping us apart. Everyone is getting to meet you and here I am getting super jealous of it. Well, making me jealous is probably the easiest thing for you anyway. But when the day ends and all are gone, go to your window, grab a smoke and dial Donna on your phone. This silly girl will be waiting to hear about all your day.
You better have a kickass day and enjoy for the both of us. Because it’s your day. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to celebrate.
So many emotions being felt, so many thoughts running around me head, that it is next to impossible to write down anything properly. But, all I can think of is you. Just smiling and enjoying every bit of today. I don’t want to say how much you’ve done for me or what I have done for you or anything much related to that, all I know is we have a different chemistry. Something that no one, trust me, no one in this world can understand leaving the two of us. And that is more than enough.
Having you beside me. Happy days. Sad days. All days.
Your Bachcha to Your Donna,
She wants to be a beautiful butterfly,
But it is difficult to see someone crush her in front of my eyes.
20 years of staying in her cocoon, she knew it was finally her time to flap those wings and finally turn into what she had always dreamed of. Going to places and exploring worlds was just the tip of the ice berg. This pretty butterfly would always want more.
The time slowly came close. Every anxious moment felt long. But deep down her heart she knew it would be all what she has been looking for. To get out in the big world. Show everyone her colourful enormous wings.
Flap! Flap! Flap to every place,
And leave a little colour with perfect grace.
But the world was very different. Every moment felt like in a cage and every urge was to go back to the cocoon because she thought she couldn’t face all this. But giving up was not in her blood. She was caught between the struggle; all by herself she had no clue what she wanted to do.
Fought like a warrior and conquered all hearts.
She made a little place in everyone’s chart.
Happiness, did give up in the end and knocked the heart of the little butterfly hoping it could enter her life. Singing and dancing she welcomed him, making the best of the situation was something new she had learnt.
Jumping to places and trying out new things were in full speed. The wings had finally gained its pace and stopping was the last thing she had in her mind. She slowly became a part of the sunshine. Rose in the morning, spreading her wings like light, people waited for her even for a single sight.
But as nothing lasts forever happiness had to leave. But giving her hope that he will come back soon. She let the door open.
Comes in the human, trying to befriend our precious butterfly. Not knowing she is to be loved from a little distance and not by catching her in the fist. Little did our butterfly knew, what was in store for her. She thought best of the world and put her faith in that human.
Everything seemed perfect for a while. Countless moments and beautiful memories were getting stored in her mind. But as I said before, nothing lasts forever. Things had to change that’s how the universe functions.
Little did she know she would be caught,
Every breath of hers taken by the human felt like a draught.
Now the end seems near, but the butterfly seems to struggle in every possible flare. Happiness said he would be back, all our eyes are on that. Little precious doesn’t deserve it. The world has so much more for her that awaits.
The longing of flying again keeps her alive,
In the hope that one day she will survive.
When I looked in the mirror,
That’s when he noticed.
The smile of mine was queerer,
But a smirk on his face floated.
Calling him a junkie was just a start,
As the prank call before it was also a part.
I could say anything but not depart,
But deep down I knew he was smart.
The clock would strike midnight,
And this Cinderella would hear from him.
Conversations lasting till sunrise,
The stories seemed to never end.
The feelings grew stronger,
Day by day.
But she knew it wouldn’t last longer,
As forever was not theirs to stay.
None the less time spent well,
She would cherish it till the end.
Reminded by the coffee smell,
The memories she knew would be difficult to send.
Dark went every little things,
Once he walked away.
All she needed was her wings,
For the memories to slowly sway.
But then he came back being Harvey,
To the Donna she was now.
Still not being different from Bob Marley,
But everything was different she didn’t know how.
Ups and downs,
Were the new favourites.
The music sounds,
Of their voice were sweeter than chocolates.
Times they would cherish,
Both of them knew.
Something they didn’t want to perish,
As they would be stuck with the blue.
But moments were becoming memories,
As time took a flight.
Every glimpse seemed like centuries,
When not meeting each other seemed like a night.
Love and hate,
Joy and sorrow.
People thought we were on dates,
But the least we could care ‘bout what came tomorrow.
Things still did end,
As they were supposed to.
But she knew in her heart a string bend,
When she saw they were left with nothing but adieu.
It has been six months and four days since my college life started. Miles away from home, here I am sitting in some corner hoping to make my mark on the world someday.
Yes, people say it’s exciting, living out of the house, being all independent, studying what you’ve always wanted to pursue, exploring life, travelling, meeting new people, making new friends, trying new cuisines, the late nights, the early mornings, sudden trips, endless conversations, millions of photos; and the list never seems to end.
What happens when its 3am in the morning and you are lying in your bed? Thinking about everything, starting from your first heartbreak, the first love, the first dance to the first drink, the first smoke, the first lie, the last goodbye.
Hoping that if you close your eyes you’ll magically teleport in the arms of someone you love. Oh, that smell, that familiar touch, those dreamy eyes, that shiny hair, the smooth curves, that never-ending hug, that long kiss; one could just dive into it and never come back.
Hoping that if not that, you’ll get a message from your close friend saying they miss you. Would feel nice, wouldn’t it? That small smile which would linger on your smile until you’ve fallen asleep.
Or wait. Or a call from someone you’ve been waiting for days to talk to. Like counting every second of your day in the hope that if you heard them, if their soothing voice enters your ears all your nerves would just calm down.
It doesn’t happen. Does it? No. Doesn’t. You keep waiting and waiting until there you are in the darkest of your thoughts. Getting in touch with the worst of your desires. And not until long, you’ve pushed yourself in a place from which you could never come back. Maybe you wouldn’t want to. It feels safe in there, the pain seems less, you’ve supressed your feelings, your hope and met the deepest darkest secrets of your life.
one generally has a tendency to underestimate hope.
Hope can be a scary thing. It has the power to make a sane person go insane. In all this mess, you realise the importance of need. You finally realise what are the things in life that you actually need and can’t go without. The career, the money, the fame everything comes down to being ‘wants’. What one longs for is that ‘home feeling’, for even one second, that one split second, would elongate the survival a little more.
I don’t know which is worse the hope or the darkness. I don’t think I can differentiate between the two anymore.
I think it does feel sad, but then… when I think to myself again and ask, does it? Do I even feel anything? Or have I been jumping in the two worlds so much that I no more know what reality is, where do I actually stand. Where do I want to stand…?
Happy Anniversary Mumma Papa! 👨👩👧👦
There is so much I’ve learnt from you in these 21 years of my life, that it is difficult to put it to words. But that doesn’t mean its not worth a try. 😊
Papa, you’ve been my role model since my school used to make us fill those blue forms every year, asking me to write “Who’s your role model?” 😋
And the answer to this question still hasn’t changed.
There are a lot of memories we’ve shared together over these past years and there is still more to come. Each time I had faced something new, you helped me do the right thing.
But our relationship is deeper than just learning.
There is this one incident that really moved me. It was a usual Friday night, I told you all about my day and how I had my first Spanish learning class. I was all excited with the new words I had learnt. That’s when you went on to tell me about how you always wanted to learn a different language. I calmed down a bit after hearing this; and you go on telling how you can see that dream coming true through me and I couldn’t find the words to express how listening to what you said made me feel. I was happy and overwhelmed at the same time.
I think a little part me wants to become a doctor to see your eyes sparkle when you see your little girl changing your dream into reality. 😊
Mumma. I get my emotional side from you. You’ve shown me how it feels to be loved and cared for. I think parents try to teach their kids a lot of things. Belief is one thing that can be the toughest to teach. You know you haven’t succeeded until the child herself feels it’s okay to believe against all odds. Even with the fights and frequent crying spells we have, the most important thing you’ve taught me is how to believe. How to believe in myself and others, how not to let situations take the better of us. 😊
Writing all this doesn’t mean I’m no more going to be the little annoying making you both crazy kid who doesn’t listen to you all the time but that you’ll have to patiently wait for your little girl to come back to you and give you both a tight hug. 😋
30 long years and I can still see you both blush at each other during your cute moments. I can only wish and hope to find a special relation with someone like the one you both share.
I know I will always be loved and I will always love you both.
“Every day may not be good but there is always something good in every day.”
Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It is pretty difficult, right? We are living in a world where ‘forever’ comes with a time limit. All I can see around me is relationships having problems, people fighting, years of connection between people being broken in a matter of seconds. I am not trying to be a pessimist but this is the story of majority of people I know. Goods things happen. I won’t deny this fact. But maybe, lately I have seen a lot of things go wrong that’s why I have come to doubting the whole concept of ‘forever’. Maybe it is true that people come, play their roles in our life and go, that’s how the cycle of life works.
But. Beyond every wrong doing, every important thing in life which got messed up because of some reason or the other, beyond everything, I found him. Yes. He is one person for whom I can actually thank my stars, after all that we have gone through, the ups and downs, the fights and smiles, we couldn’t have been closer to each other. He is not my boyfriend. He is not my brother. He is not even my best friend. But he is always there. Somehow calling him a friend seems a little less but there is no one word that can describe this relationship. And when I actually think, I feel there is no need to give it a name. Some people just click and connect and it is there. Putting the feeling into words never seems to do justice to the bond we share.
Forever. When he says it, you know he means it. Every single letter coming out of his mouth makes you believe in it. That yes, when some people say ‘forever’, they actually mean that when we turn 99 years old we’ll be sitting together and smiling about the fact that he proved me wrong, that he stayed with me forever and is still here telling me “I told you so…”.
I don’t think that I have always been there for him. Because trust me I haven’t and I am not really proud of this fact. I screw up a lot when it comes to him. I do. That’s not how I usually am with people who care about me. But yeah, I won’t even flinch for second before saying that he has always been there for me, in sickness and in health. He has been there when I am all happy and crazy about something, making me feel even better for acting insane and he has even been there when I am all sad or unwell, cranky or unbearable, behaving like a total kid, going all indifferent in my worst of moods. But there hasn’t been a moment when he left my side.
People say you should do something so good and selfless for someone that nothing in the world could repay what they did for you. This very day I can say that he has done so much for me, forgiven me, that no matter what I do it will never be equal to what he has done for me.
So… Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It feels like heaven, like magic, like happiness all around. For some of you it would feel like hell being way more bearable than normal.
Having someone who stays feels good and safe, like home. Sweet home.
What do you want to be?
a) A friendless loser.
b) A person with tons of friends who secretly hate you.
In this world everyone is trying to fit in. Some of them are trying to be a part of the most popular crowd; some are trying to just make people like them. Some are struggling to be “cool” enough so that they get a chance to hang out with the elite crowd while some are still trying to figure out which group they belong to.
Trust me, fitting in could be a really stressful job. There would be so many events going around us of which we would do anything to be a part of. But things don’t really work out that way. Not everything that people wish for is granted in real life.
Where on one side of the world I see so many people struggle to be a part of something; be it anything. Here I wonder what if someday I actually fit in. What if in this whole process of being recognized by people around me I end up losing the person who I truly am? What if this whole thought consumes me so much that I would forget what I truly want from life?
I don’t think I am the kind of person who would want to totally fit in some place that might make me lose myself. I would obviously want to be ‘someone’ so that others recognize me. But not by being one of them or by losing myself or being a copy of what they are. Rather I would want to excel in my talent to the greatest heights so that I will be recognized by who I AM, not by how good I am at being someone else.
P.S. No one can play a better role of being you than you yourself.
I lie down on my bed every night before I sleep… take out my phone and look at your picture. I stare at that beautiful smile and keep wondering what went wrong? What went so wrong that things became difficult between us? That what happened to you? What happened that you became like this? And every single night I blame myself for all of it.
I close my eyes and remember every single moment I spent with you. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday when we used to pour our hearts into those simple words, but sometimes it feels another life time, when I look back at the times nothing could go wrong or no one could ever come between us.
Every night I sleep, I tell myself that I’ll be the girl who meant so much to you, the next morning I get up and all the next morning I get up. But the moment I talk to you, the coldness inside you feels so strong that my warm heart breaks in front of it.
I keep hoping that one day or someday you’ll come back. You’ll be the friend you always were. The one, who used to shower all his love and affection over this little girl, but that day, goes on distancing from me the moment I feel it’s almost here.
It feels so right to be with you, to have you around all the time, but at the same time it even feels so wrong when I place it in my reality. It’s like you are there and still seems like we are miles apart.
I feel that I have to compete with all your friends because they always seem to so better than me in any aspect you pick up. Things become even more difficult when I don’t even know where do I even stand in your life or do I even mean anything to you or my presence even makes the slightest difference in your life.
The worst question of all is the one that keeps killing me from inside, is that do I still have the power to make you smile…?
The happiest moment in a girl’s life is when she realizes her brother has a really cute friend. But I guess it was not the same for me. Unfortunately it was the saddest moment for me because I know even if I try to have a tiniest conversation with him, my brother would come to know and would tease me for the rest of my life. (It is not that he doesn’t do it now, but the intensity would increase.)
I have a really faint memory of the first time I saw him. All I can recall is a skinny guy in my school corridor hanging out with his friends. He had this charm around him. Or maybe it was me who felt something weird when he was around. It was difficult to take my eyes off him. He was great in studies as well as sports. But then his last two years of school passed away very fast. He did come to my place quite a few times (Courtesy: My brother). And I used to look at him like my brother’s friend (which implies even he was a brother to me).
But now suddenly he looks like this really good looking, cute and funny guy (who is good with pets) who any girl could have a crush on. I didn’t realize this before my brother actually started teasing me with him. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, my face used to turn red, my small smile would never want to leave and my heart would beat faster and faster remembering his shirt less photograph. 😛
It took a lot of courage to start a conversation with him in the first place and then staying up the whole night thinking about the most appropriate reply to send him so that I don’t screw up the conversation. Pressing the send button and throwing away the phone because I was too scared to see his reply. 😛
It is so weird, how can the most random person put a smile on your face even without trying. I am here smiling like a total idiot when he crosses my mind and he, out there is busy with his awesome life. Even when my life seems to be in a total mess right now, but thinking about my crush (with whom I can never ever imagine being friends with because he just seems so out of my league) can make all the pain go away for those few seconds.
(He is that college boy who makes me feel like a high school girl. 🙂 )
Sometimes it is better to have a brother than a hero…
I am not going to see my brother for another two months from now. It is not the first time he has gone. He has been in college from the past two years now and has being coming on and off and spending time with family.
But I don’t know why this time seems so different. Everything around me seems so empty. I miss his presence. The computer table seems clean, there aren’t wires all over my room and the music is not on loud. I no more see the jeans lying on my bed, knowing the moment I will pick it up something or the other is bound to fall from it. The dining table seems so quite while I am sitting there. No more GK questions to be bombarded on me while having my meals. No more fighting to sit beside dad on the dining table. No more sitting beside him and watching ‘Lie to Me’ or waiting for his Top Gear episode to get over so that I could be able to use the computer.
Without his sarcastic comments all the conversations seem so dull. In his defense all he has to say that how can he resist himself while we leave a sentence open in front of him. (I call him the God of Sarcasm 😛 )
It is not that he used to stay at home all the time. Even if he did, he would spend half of the time sleeping as he would be dead tired by playing FIFA all night with his friends. During the day when he used to go out, it would seem as if I was roaming around with him. Like having breakfast in Flurys, lunch in Bar-B-Q, snacks in Sharma and dinner at Jai Hind Dhaba.
Now he has gone back to college and I am continuously listening to ‘Impossible’ by James Arthur as he used to keep listening to it again and again and never got tired of it, had some fascination for this song. Sitting in front of the computer and laughing like an idiot while listening to ‘Love Song for No One’ by John Mayer. 🙂
This moment reminds me of a poem I had studied in school which explained how a bird is a live wire for a tree and when it leaves how everything in the tree becomes silent. People say daughters are the life of a family but my brother is the live wire of our house and it feels so lifeless when now he is not around.
I know he has only gone for two months but this time I just miss him so much. Come back soon.. 😥
It hurts. It hurts every single day. How can someone I love make me feel so small, so little that I feel worthless? How can a person drive a sword through my heart and expect me to be all happy about it? How can someone make me feel so terrible that I’m being forced to think that I am the worst person living among millions of other human beings in this world? How can you treat me like shit and at the same time expect me to love you back? How can you just put all the blame on me and not even expect me to say a word in my defense? How can you compare my feelings to that of someone else’s and expect me not to feel insulted? How can you say that I don’t feel the same way I used to do? Are you the one going through the pain? Are you the one staying up all night crying to yourself and waking up the other morning as if nothing happened? Are you the one putting a fake smile on your face every day you step out of your house? Are you??
Judging me in every little thing as if I have a hidden agenda just because I feel for you? How can you make me feel so shallow, so miserable? How??
Am I actually so small? So unimportant that I deserve to be treated like this? Have I not gone through enough struggles in my life that you HAVE to make my life worse for me every single day… Or every single second I breathe on this earth? Haven’t I done any good deeds in my life that could help me ask God to reduce my suffering? Have I behaved so badly with people that it’s now my time to pay back?
After everything I have done, every time I stood by you in your troubles, accepted the facts of life with you, does it actually come down to this? Does it actually come down to NOTHING? Every time I cared, every time I made an effort to improve our friendship, no matter how difficult things were getting between us, I THOUGHT it still meant something to you and you still end up doubting me on every road of our friendship.
But ‘reality’ just blew on face. I was wrong. I was wrong all the way long. I don’t mean anything to you. I’m equivalent to not being there in your life only. You are so ignorant when it comes to me that I feel like I am invisible not just to you, but to all the people around me. I feel so messed up that I try to suppress EVERY single emotion I feel because you just sunk this thought in me so deep that the “more you care, the weaker you are”. And tell me who wants to be weak in this world, in this world with people like you?
The more power I give you to hurt me, the more badly you do it.
I had always put OUR friendship over MY feelings. But it is so sad that you NEVER understood this and kept bringing my feelings between us. You no more understand me or maybe you never did and it was just an illusion that I had created in my life.
It has been a very very long time since you cared about me, only I couldn’t see it.
As the clouds slowly take over the sky, the memories of school, in my mind flash by. Looking at the rain falling from the distant sky, I sit there recalling all the good times that I had spent in my life. 🙂
It was his first day of school when I saw those innocent eyes. Those tiny little feet that made their way through the crowd into the huge school. Remembering the time when I used to give my bag to my mother and would carry his bag with me, so that he did not have to take the load. Going back together in the same carpool was all the memory I had of him for a few years. Whenever I used to pass by the blue gate at the entrance of his house’s lane, would always remind me of the time we used to drop him home after school.
And soon time passed by, he grew in his world and I in my. I had forgotten that we both were in the same school also; before I again saw him in the volley ball court with those same innocent eyes he has of his mother. 😛
My school was getting over; there were hundreds of people I would never see in my life again. So I decided to thank everyone, whom I had known since I entered school, for being there in my life and having a small, but important role in it. A list of people was made so that I could make sure I didn’t miss anyone.
Finally Mayank’s name came. I typed the whole thank you part and back spaced it… It had been ages since I had my last conversation with him. I was obviously not sure that should I send it or not. Finally with a lot of courage I retyped the whole thing and pressed the enter button. And thought for a second “God only knows what is going to happen next…” And to my surprise his reply was “Yes! We’ll stay in touch for sure.” It felt like warmth in that winter season. Annddd… That is how we started talking once again…
He is one of the best people I have come across in my life. The most decent guy I could ever meet till date. Trusting him is so easy that at times it feels as if he is too good to be true. But, that no way stops me from sharing my silliest thoughts with him. It is one of the easiest things to have a conversation with him. He is that small kid who still loves watching Tom and Jerry but on the other hand, like all boys is a car freak. When he feels cold in winter, he feels cold and doesn’t think even for a second before admitting it. I can have my five minute depressed conversation with him and again get back to laughing at the most random thing. There is this charm he has with people which allows him to get away with everything he does. He is one person who surely knows how to be in the good books of his friends and other people around him. 🙂
Those long walks, the stupid conversations and the silly volley ball shots, I am going to miss everything. Calling him monkey and posting all those random photos on his wall, knowing he gets annoyed by them. I know it is not the end and we’ll stay in touch. But still… I am going to miss him more than I thought.
It is strange how suddenly we have come to know each other so well and I hope things continue to be as good as they are now between us. I hope he stays in my life so that I don’t get a chance to miss him only.
(A little courage helped me get my friend back.)
Love you hamesha and forever Monkey :*
I had finally decided to move on. Thought about all the reason why I was still holding on. Was it worth waiting for him for so long? No. It was time to live my life my way, to finally be happy, happy with someone else. Who loves me more than I deserve. So I took a life changing decision. For once everything seemed to fall in place. Everything was going smooth. I was actually happy for a while. Life did seem lively.
But I guess I had to ruin things in my life, like always. I had to hurt other people and create a mess out of everything. I again pushed away the person who loved me. To avoid him getting hurt in the future I made him go through the pain now. It was something that he didn’t deserve.
But I didn’t want to hurt him. I really like him. But I can’t cheat on him by being there and not loving him as much as he deserves. I can’t. I don’t want to end up hurting him when things became more serious. So I thought it is better late than never. I couldn’t let my uncertainty of feelings hinder his life.
I am not capable of loving or being loved. I am a really bad person. Yet again I broke another heart. I have been doing this for a while now. I have been hurting people for so long. Just because I am hurt doesn’t give me the right to hurt others. I should stay away from people. I don’t deserve being in a good company because I will always end up doing the wrong thing, taking the wrong decision. I have become a bad omen for people who love me. Lost is the girl who was once good. Now I have turned into a devil.
So from today onwards I will not talk to any new person because no one in this world deserves being hurt. It will be better if I stay away as I am more of a bad luck than a good person. I will be happy with what I have and concentrate just on my studies.
‘Cause I couldn’t have felt worse than I feel today… Nor could I have ever done anything bad than what I have done to people in the past one whole year.