Category Archives: Confusion

Him.

Sitting beside the window,
Gazing at the night sky.
All I can think about him,
And do is cry.

The laughter in his voice,
The smoothness of his skin.
Longingness to meet him,
Never seems to end.

He’s lying there on his bed,
Thinking about everything but me.
Here I’m missing him so much,
The old photos are the only thing I can see.

He seems happy in his life,
With friends and family around.
Did I not make a difference,
When I was there all along?

Doesn’t he miss my smell,
My smile, my voice?
The excitement around him,
The way I miss his smile?

Little can I understand,
When I’m drowned in all this emotion.
Wish he was here to help,
To comfort me from all this commotion.

Nothing seems enough,
Because he is not here.
All I want is to jump to the place,
Where he is home there.

There is not much that I want,
Just one sign of care.
Or that one sign,
That I mattered.

Is it too much to ask,
From my love?
But what can I say,
When I myself am in discomfort.

Happiness is long due,
It is time for it to come.
Hope is the only string I’ve held,
That is keeping me in sense.

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Story Of The Butterfly.

She wants to be a beautiful butterfly,

But it is difficult to see someone crush her in front of my eyes.

20 years of staying in her cocoon, she knew it was finally her time to flap those wings and finally turn into what she had always dreamed of. Going to places and exploring worlds was just the tip of the ice berg. This pretty butterfly would always want more.

The time slowly came close. Every anxious moment felt long. But deep down her heart she knew it would be all what she has been looking for. To get out in the big world. Show everyone her colourful enormous wings.

Flap! Flap! Flap to every place,

And leave a little colour with perfect grace.

But the world was very different. Every moment felt like in a cage and every urge was to go back to the cocoon because she thought she couldn’t face all this. But giving up was not in her blood. She was caught between the struggle; all by herself she had no clue what she wanted to do.

Fought like a warrior and conquered all hearts.

She made a little place in everyone’s chart.

Happiness, did give up in the end and knocked the heart of the little butterfly hoping it could enter her life. Singing and dancing she welcomed him, making the best of the situation was something new she had learnt.

Jumping to places and trying out new things were in full speed. The wings had finally gained its pace and stopping was the last thing she had in her mind. She slowly became a part of the sunshine. Rose in the morning, spreading her wings like light, people waited for her even for a single sight.

But as nothing lasts forever happiness had to leave. But giving her hope that he will come back soon. She let the door open.

Comes in the human, trying to befriend our precious butterfly. Not knowing she is to be loved from a little distance and not by catching her in the fist. Little did our butterfly knew, what was in store for her. She thought best of the world and put her faith in that human.

Everything seemed perfect for a while. Countless moments and beautiful memories were getting stored in her mind. But as I said before, nothing lasts forever. Things had to change that’s how the universe functions.

Little did she know she would be caught,

Every breath of hers taken by the human felt like a draught.

Now the end seems near, but the butterfly seems to struggle in every possible flare. Happiness said he would be back, all our eyes are on that. Little precious doesn’t deserve it. The world has so much more for her that awaits.

The longing of flying again keeps her alive,

In the hope that one day she will survive.

Some Dark Nights Never End

I lie down on my bed every night before I sleep… take out my phone and look at your picture. I stare at that beautiful smile and keep wondering what went wrong? What went so wrong that things became difficult between us? That what happened to you? What happened that you became like this? And every single night I blame myself for all of it.

I close my eyes and remember every single moment I spent with you. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday when we used to pour our hearts into those simple words, but sometimes it feels another life time, when I look back at the times nothing could go wrong or no one could ever come between us.

Every night I sleep, I tell myself that I’ll be the girl who meant so much to you, the next morning I get up and all the next morning I get up. But the moment I talk to you, the coldness inside you feels so strong that my warm heart breaks in front of it.

I keep hoping that one day or someday you’ll come back. You’ll be the friend you always were. The one, who used to shower all his love and affection over this little girl, but that day, goes on distancing from me the moment I feel it’s almost here.

It feels so right to be with you, to have you around all the time, but at the same time it even feels so wrong when I place it in my reality. It’s like you are there and still seems like we are miles apart.

I feel that I have to compete with all your friends because they always seem to so better than me in any aspect you pick up. Things become even more difficult when I don’t even know where do I even stand in your life or do I even mean anything to you or my presence even makes the slightest difference in your life.

The worst question of all is the one that keeps killing me from inside, is that do I still have the power to make you smile…?

Life’s Getting Weirder Everyday

The happiest moment in a girl’s life is when she realizes her brother has a really cute friend. But I guess it was not the same for me. Unfortunately it was the saddest moment for me because I know even if I try to have a tiniest conversation with him, my brother would come to know and would tease me for the rest of my life. (It is not that he doesn’t do it now, but the intensity would increase.)

I have a really faint memory of the first time I saw him. All I can recall is a skinny guy in my school corridor hanging out with his friends. He had this charm around him. Or maybe it was me who felt something weird when he was around.  It was difficult to take my eyes off him. He was great in studies as well as sports. But then his last two years of school passed away very fast. He did come to my place quite a few times (Courtesy: My brother). And I used to look at him like my brother’s friend (which implies even he was a brother to me).

But now suddenly he looks like this really good looking, cute and funny guy (who is good with pets) who any girl could have a crush on. I didn’t realize this before my brother actually started teasing me with him. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, my face used to turn red, my small smile would never want to leave and my heart would beat faster and faster remembering his shirt less photograph. 😛

It took a lot of courage to start a conversation with him in the first place and then staying up the whole night thinking about the most appropriate reply to send him so that I don’t screw up the conversation. Pressing the send button and throwing away the phone because I was too scared to see his reply. 😛

It is so weird, how can the most random person put a smile on your face even without trying. I am here smiling like a total idiot when he crosses my mind and he, out there is busy with his awesome life. Even when my life seems to be in a total mess right now, but thinking about my crush (with whom I can never ever imagine being friends with because he just seems so out of my league) can make all the pain go away for those few seconds.

(He is that college boy who makes me feel like a high school girl. 🙂 )

Yet Again I Ended Up Hurting Someone.

I had finally decided to move on. Thought about all the reason why I was still holding on. Was it worth waiting for him for so long? No. It was time to live my life my way, to finally be happy, happy with someone else. Who loves me more than I deserve. So I took a life changing decision. For once everything seemed to fall in place. Everything was going smooth. I was actually happy for a while. Life did seem lively.

But I guess I had to ruin things in my life, like always. I had to hurt other people and create a mess out of everything. I again pushed away the person who loved me. To avoid him getting hurt in the future I made him go through the pain now. It was something that he didn’t deserve.

But I didn’t want to hurt him. I really like him. But I can’t cheat on him by being there and not loving him as much as he deserves. I can’t. I don’t want to end up hurting him when things became more serious. So I thought it is better late than never. I couldn’t let my uncertainty of feelings hinder his life.

I am not capable of loving or being loved. I am a really bad person. Yet again I broke another heart. I have been doing this for a while now. I have been hurting people for so long. Just because I am hurt doesn’t give me the right to hurt others. I should stay away from people. I don’t deserve being in a good company because I will always end up doing the wrong thing, taking the wrong decision. I have become a bad omen for people who love me. Lost is the girl who was once good. Now I have turned into a devil.

So from today onwards I will not talk to any new person because no one in this world deserves being hurt. It will be better if I stay away as I am more of a bad luck than a good person. I will be happy with what I have and concentrate just on my studies.

‘Cause I couldn’t have felt worse than I feel today…  Nor could I have ever done anything bad than what I have done to people in the past one whole year.

Has The Difficulty Level Actually Risen?

Is it so difficult to stand by me? Even after everything I did for you or am still doing for you? Is it actually so difficult to be a little easy on me when I am in my transition period? My school just got over, I gave my boards and from the third day I had my CPT tuitions started. The happiness of my boards getting over didn’t even fade away that I had to get back to studying. I even over looked the part where you didn’t even bother asking me how my exams went. When all my friends did, people I didn’t expect, even they asked me how they were and you didn’t even have the time to send me a message.

Career problems have taken over my life. Things are becoming difficult for me day by day and my attempt in making everything normal fails every time I try to convince myself that I will find a way out through these problems. It is not that I am not capable of doing what is expected for me. It is just that I am not sure is it actually what I want to do.

But even after all the chaos and confusion in my life, I try to be normal when it comes to talking to you. I try my best to send you a good morning wish no matter how late I might have slept last night. I even try to understand that you are facing a lot of changes right now; things are going pretty bad in your life too. But the point is I understand or at least I try my best to understand and you don’t even try to understand me.

You know it is you who has the power to make me smile when I have tears rolling down my eyes; it is you who has the key to my heart. You have always known the perfect thing to tell me so that my happiness regains its flow in my body. But what has happened to you now? Why can’t I see you beside me?

Why don’t you understand I can only be weak in front of you and no one else? It is way easier to open my heart in front of you and tell everything that I feel instead of explaining it to someone else. Why don’t you understand? Do I make it so difficult for you to stand by my side and support me? I am not even asking you to save me. All I ask for is your presence in my life, your voice ring through my ears once a day so that I can calm myself down from whatever that is happening in my life.

I know you need to talk to many other people, you need to call them, I even told you I will make an initiative to call you so that we can talk. Why don’t you understand I can no more see you? I can no more see that smile from a distant and feel safe. I can’t make all the effort to keep this friendship going on. I need you to at least give me one reason to stand by you and I will give you all I have. Just one reason will be more than enough for me. Is it so difficult to do that also?

The saddest part is you know everything. You know how I feel and you even know how to make me feel better. But you don’t do anything to comfort me. Even if you do, at times it is too late. Till that time I might have already gone through a lot. Maybe you understand everything. But tell me, why understand me so well when you are going to pretend that you know nothing.

Be there for me now. Make me feel your presence in my life now. I need you now.

Is it actually so difficult?

Is Being Dead That Much Worse Than Being Nothing?

Another night is here. Everything seems dark and gloomy, outside and inside too. Even the water dripping from the tap seems so loud that it hits my head whenever I hear every drop fall. The night is so silent and quiet that I can even feel the leaves of the tree moving. Lying on bed and looking through the window, at the distant sky, the sparkling stars and the lonely moon. Wondering how different life would be if few things didn’t happen or if few conversations never started or maybe if a few decisions could be taken without the fear of losing our loved ones. How different it would be if we had a little courage to make the right choice or how easy would it be if we could control our lives and everything we wished for actually happened.

I am waiting for a star to fall, so that I can quickly make a wish and have it all. But it seems another night will pass by with tears rolling down my eyes. Every time I close my eyes there is a fear of having a dream (or should I say a nightmare). Every time darkness comes over me I plead my mind not to show me anything that I have been running away from for a while now. Because once I see a glimpse of my thoughts, it would seem too real for me, to real to hide away from. It would make it difficult for me to face the reality.

But I have to close my eyes, let my brain doze off. So that my body can calm down and I can finally rest after a day full of my thoughts, feelings and problems. Sleep was supposed to be an escape from my reality. But I guess I have lost the only way I had could ignore everything going in my life.

I guess I am quite good at pushing people away from my life. But I needed that one conversation. I needed to confide in someone. I know I should just let go the thoughts which disturb me. I need to free myself from the control of my mind or my heart. The constant quarrel between them makes things more difficult for me. But these thoughts never stop to chase me. Every night I wish for things to get back to being normal. Every day I get up hoping that today’s day will be better than yesterday.

But.. I guess I am paying for my sins. Maybe I have hurt too many people, that’s why I am going through such a phase. I hope that is all Karma has in store for me because it feels as if I have lost myself …but I am hoping to be found.

He Has The Power To Make Me Feel.. And..

Then comes a moment when he breaks. I can see him go weak. I can actually feel his pain rush through your body. Those eyes that never had tears start watering. His voice which had all the laughter in it becomes shaky. The eyes which used to glitter are losing their glow.

Just one second before he breaks, that smiles passes over his face. He tries to control his emotions so much. But, he can feel the emptiness in his stomach. The pain over powers him before he is about to break. His hands start shivering. In every message, in every word I can feel his heart break piece by piece.

(He has been strong for a very long time. He needs to break. He needs to be that phoenix which rises from the ashes to start a new life. He needs space for mistakes. He needs that hug which will warm him and will make him feel that everything will be okay, if not today, but very soon.)

And the moment is finally here. He has lost control over everything, his thoughts, his mind, and even all his senses. Those precious tears roll down his soft checks. He removes his specs, wipes his tears and all the negative thoughts seem to revolve around him. Every drop that comes out of his eyes seems to have a bad memory attached to it. He wants the pain to stop. He wants to turn off his humanity. He wants to make sure that everything he feels becomes numb for a while. So that he can gather his feelings, his thoughts and compose himself once again. But, everything he has heard till date by people rings in his ears. Every bad phase which he has gone through seems right in front of him. The pain of every wrong decision he has made is felt by him all over again.  He keeps his hand over his heart, feels the pulse get faster every second and wants to put it to an end. Feels he is good for nothing. That he is incapable of doing nothing in life, that can’t achieve success in what he wants. He feels depressed. The little bit of hope also seems to fade away. He reaches his ultimate level.  Handling people and their expectations is beyond his limits now. He has too many people in his life, just too many to carry along.

And here comes a moment when he actually breaks..

Nothing could have felt worse than what he is feeling right now. Nothing in the world could comfort him. He feels weak. He knows that he has to be strong, but nothing is helping him to rise up. He has never felt like this. It is probably the first time he going through such a phase and is unaware of what he should actually do to make things get back to being normal again. ‘Simple’ is what he wishes for right now.

He feels helpless but he has to let his heart break in order for the light to pass through him, to make him realize his worth. So that he realizes that the only reason he is facing a problem in life is because he is strong enough to get through it.

(Time will heal every wound..)

I Will Let Go. For This Is The Right Thing To Do.

I’m not actually going through a good phase right now. Everything seems messed up; wherever I look nothing seems to be in my control. I can’t control my anger nor can I control what I feel. It seems as if everything that I am feeling is heightened, my emotions have become stronger and every little thing I used to feel has become intense. I guess I have started feeling for someone. It bothers me when this person is upset or even when this person is sad. Since the time we met I’m trying to define my feelings, define this relationship in my life, but I somehow can’t do it. I don’t know what I am going through or what am I feeling. All I know is that I shouldn’t feel this way. It is not right for me or that person. And I know it will never be right. After all the ups and downs of this relationship, I’m scared to open up in front of this person. I’m scared. I can’t be weak in front of so many people in my life. I trust this person. I trust this person with my life. But, I’m scared to accept that I.. I.. I feel for this person. It’s weird. We have similar likes; we understand love the same way. This person can make me smile even when I have every reason to just sit and cry. I can fight, I can laugh, and I can just be there beside this person. It is strange that how this one person can make me understand to get over failed expectations, how easy can he make things for me and convince me to take a chill pill. Remembering all my dreams, knowing exactly where I belong. Furious this person gets when I whine and adores my sudden outbursts for ice cream. Just a call away, I know this person is. But still seems far away because I know it’s not right and it will never be. It’s just a mixture of emotions, a phase of life. All I’m waiting is for my college to start. So that I can close one chapter of my life in order to start a new one. It’s not that I won’t have this person in my life; it’s just that I will close my heart to all the feelings and go into hibernation with my career. At least Vampire Diaries has taught me how to turn off the switch and get in to study mode.

Everything is going to be okay in my life. If not today, but soon.. It’s okay to have hope because sometimes it’s all that keep us going.

xoxo

Lost My Smile.

I am losing it all. Everyday, every second of my life feels like it is killing me from inside. All I feel like doing is to give up on people, on things, most importantly myself. I feel empty from inside. It seems as if happiness has left me forever. It is not that I don’t smile , I do. When I am with my family and friends. But there is something missing. There is this pain in my eyes which doesn’t seem to go.

I used to love talking over the phone, never used to run out of topics, never needed an effort to keep up with a conversation. But now I just go blank. Its like I want to talk but I just can’t. My friends message me and I just don’t feel like replying. There is something that is pulling me away from everything in my life. 😦

Its not that my life is fucked up or something. It is pretty normal. Maybe simple is not what I want right now. I can feel the change inside me. Trust me it does not feel good at all. Maybe this month had too many bad events in it. This was the first time I saw someone go from my life forever. I saw my friends not understanding me at me worst. I came to know that I am not important to a person who means soo much to me. 😦

The reason I don’t share my thoughts with others is because either I feel their own life is soo messed and I don’t want to add another problem to their list or they are happy with everything around them that I don’t want to ruin their happiness.

I want to be free. I want to fly, high. Away from everyone, all the drama and the expectation. I want to be the old ME. The one whose smile makes others come alive. The one who always used to jump around, was full of life.

All the happiness in me seems to drain out of my body. The worst part is I just can’t figure out what is actually disturbing me. The fact that I don’t know what is disturbing me, disturbs me more. 😦

I NEED a reason to smile. (Can’t believe I am actually saying this.)

My smile has been lost somewhere. If you find it please send it back to me. Thank you..

Pain ..or something you can’t explain

Emotions. Feelings. It feels good when you have them in you, but it sure can mess up everything in your life. The moment when everything in your life seems to be normal but yet messed up. The feeling when you think no one in your life understands you. You can’t even explain your friends what you are going through. Even if they understand you perfectly, you don’t seem satisfied.

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All you want to do is sit and cry your heart out because you can no more bare the pain, the feeling. You feel like shouting out loud at that one person for whom you feel so deeply. You feel like telling him each and everything, that you feel for him and how intense it is. How difficult it is to stay like, just friends. But you know he won’t be able to take it. He is scared of commitment, can’t take decisions in his life. And you know you cannot afford losing him. You are just tired of convincing yourself that you’ll get through this. That something is better than nothing. You can actually feel that emptiness in your stomach when you miss him. You start acting weird and irritated because there are too many feelings piling up inside you and you have no idea what to do. Your mind and your heart is going in total opposite directions.

You start taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. Your heart is aching to explode. You think of giving him a call, thinking that if you hear his voice it might help you to calm down, but it is next to impossible to keep up a conversation with him.

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You rush to your mother to give her a tight hug, knowing it is the safest place in the whole world and tears roll down your eyes. But you somehow manage to hide them. She asks you what is wrong as your body has suddenly become so hot. You have no words to explain what you are going through.

You avoid looking at his photographs as it becomes impossible to control yourself, your emotions. You know he is not ready to listen to what you want to say even after he knows exactly how you feel for him. You lie down on your bed; listen to a slow song, which kind of worsens your condition at that time. But then slowly and slowly your heart gets back to its normal speed, you feel tired and go off to sleep. Because that’s the only thing you can do to get away from reality.

Once you get up, you have all the courage in the world to face all kinds of situations in your life. And you know that the only thing that keeps you going is YOU yourself. You have to wait. You know he is worth waiting for. Even if it kills you from inside, you know he is worth it, worth all your time.

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