Category Archives: Love

Harvey To My Donna.

There are so many times when he asks me why I call him Harvey and I all tell him is that because he is so full of himself, which in reality, no doubt, is true. But, this isn’t the only reason why in my heart he is My Harvey…

He is pursuing his masters in marketing right now. Yeah, My Harvey isn’t a lawyer. But, if he would have been one, he would have been the best closure in the world. Nonetheless, his new college has a reputation to work up all their students to a level where they barely get to sleep for 3 hours also peacefully. So, here I am watching him work his ass off every single, every single night, so that he can be a little closer to the goal he wants to achieve in life. His dedication, drive, motivation, every action, reminds me of how Harvey Spector, when started his career as an associate worked hundreds of longs, day in and day out, giving the least importance to what time of the day it is. And, now when he enters his office, no one has the guts to question his ability to handle a case. The way I see My Harvey work makes me believe that one day he is going to enter is own office not being questioned by anyone as to if he will get the job done to its best or not. Cause his reputation will precede him. I am not just saying this because I believe in him or have a lot faith in his work. I can say this confidently because I can see it with my own eyes how much of hard work he is putting into everything so that one fine day he can sit in his office, enjoy the view, sip whiskey and tell himself that he finally made it.

I call him Harvey because trust me he can convince you that caring only makes a person weak. But, I can see right through him. He’ll tell you that nothing else will matter in his life leaving work, but I know there are moments when he wishes for his family’s comfort, his friends company, his peaceful cup of coffee. He will do anything for family. And by family I don’t just mean mother, father or sister; you’ll know if you mean family to him because he’ll be there, in times of need or not, one will not even have to ask him to be there, he’ll just understand by himself.

For him life is not like this, it has to be like that. On that level which gives him a kick every single morning he gets off his bed. The high which no drink or no smoke can get. The confidence, the power, the passion. That will be his life. Settling has never been an option for him and will never be one even in the years to come.

But behind the cage of steel lies the soft heart he protects. The special one who he will love, will have his heart. He will let his guard down and love her with everything he has. You know he won’t leave her. There will be ups and downs, but nothing that his charming smile and understanding mind won’t fix. They will carry each other. Both will know they can be vulnerable in front of each without the fear of getting hurt in return.

Like the Harvey in suits, he will never back down or give in a situation. Because if the first option doesn’t work there are 187 other options he’ll bring up to turn the whole table around in his favour. Never a quitter, always a winner. Because if they put a gun to your head and corner you, take out a bigger gun, or break the goddamn wall.

Even after all this, as the painting made by Harvey’s mom meant so much to him; It is surprising to see how he has so much in his world but still never stops giving the little things, the little gestures immense importance. He carries it his heart, he’ll carry it forever.

He can be your best dream or your worst nightmare. Just depends on how you treat him.

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The Wait. 

I stay up all night

Awaiting for that one text.

Knowing you are missing me

Even when you’re in that mess.

 

The longings never seem to end

What can I do lying here?

Trying to remember your pretty face

And the way it bought my heart to dance.

 

Waiting for that one ‘Hi’, that one ‘hello’

Hoping my screen would light up.

You know my face would surely do

Even brighter than the sun does.

 

You think it’s because I’m alone

But trust me I’ve been there.

Standing between the crowds

Wishing I could hold you and apparate.

 

My mind knows the wait would soon end

But the heart cannot be fooled.

It makes every second last longer

Making the crave to meet you day by day stronger.

 

I know I want to hug you

We know it won’t happen.

But the eyes will be exchanging looks

Keeping us closer till they can.

Take Me Away. 

Take me away with you

So that I can remember what it’s like to be free.

Take me away with you

So that I can remember how sunshine makes me feel.

 

Take me to a time

Where you are mine.

Where the curve on your lips

Can be felt by my kiss.

 

Take me away with you

To a place where nothing else matters.

Take me away with you

To a place where there’s no chaos and clatter.

 

Take me to a time

Where everything feels divine.

Where the sound of your heart beating

Is the only sound I can be listening.

 

Take me away with you

Where I can dance like one’s watching.

Take me away with you

Where my wings can fly without anyone catching.

 

Take me to a time

Where I can have a glass of wine.

Where I’m sitting near the shore

Thinking of you and nothing more.

 

Just take me away with you..

So that we can start by the things we’ve always wanted to do..

Feels.

You seem distant,
But not gone.
To endless conversations at night,
Which used to last till dawn.
The longing to hear your voice,
Comes to my mind now and then.
Such posts remind me of you,
Asking me our next meeting is when.
The answer to this question,
Is as lost as it can be.
But the heart hopes for sure,
That the time is not too far to see.

(Some relations are beyond anyone’s understanding.)
♥️

Kiss In The Rain.

His favorite memory with me,
That’s what I asked.
All he could think was about,
The first kiss we had when it rained.

The moment I read this,
The corner of my lips glimpsed a smile.
My heart danced a little,
Even when I read that text after a while.

Took me back to that very day,
Reliving the memory again.
In that moment,
I couldn’t feel any pain.

I was busy in telling him,
That it better not stop raining.
He had a cold of his own,
Couldn’t think straight about what he was wishing.

In the car,
We both were.
Stuck in traffic,
Surrounded by cars here.

He told to come out of the car,
I was taken aback in that moment.
Opened the door and came out,
For not once cared about the government.

We took our steps,
Stood in front of the car.
In the middle of the road,
There we both were.

He grabbed my waist,
And didn’t wait another second.
Kissed my lips,
And made my knees almost bend.

We came back inside,
With racing hearts.
The looks of people around us,
Seemed like shooting darts.

Everything happened so quick,
It took me all by a start.
Finally I had time to think,
About a new firsts we could add to our cart.

This moment would stay forever,
In the ocean of memories.
He made it so special,
I’ll carry it within me for centuries.

❤️

Him.

Sitting beside the window,
Gazing at the night sky.
All I can think about him,
And do is cry.

The laughter in his voice,
The smoothness of his skin.
Longingness to meet him,
Never seems to end.

He’s lying there on his bed,
Thinking about everything but me.
Here I’m missing him so much,
The old photos are the only thing I can see.

He seems happy in his life,
With friends and family around.
Did I not make a difference,
When I was there all along?

Doesn’t he miss my smell,
My smile, my voice?
The excitement around him,
The way I miss his smile?

Little can I understand,
When I’m drowned in all this emotion.
Wish he was here to help,
To comfort me from all this commotion.

Nothing seems enough,
Because he is not here.
All I want is to jump to the place,
Where he is home there.

There is not much that I want,
Just one sign of care.
Or that one sign,
That I mattered.

Is it too much to ask,
From my love?
But what can I say,
When I myself am in discomfort.

Happiness is long due,
It is time for it to come.
Hope is the only string I’ve held,
That is keeping me in sense.

The Untold.

Log kehte hai “Pyaar dosti hai”. Ki agar woh meri sabse achi dost nahi ban sakti toh main usse kabhi pyaar kar hi nahi sakta.
Par, mere liye “Dosti pyaar hai”. Ki agar main usse sabse zayada pyaar nahi karti toh woh mera sabse acha dost kaise hoga.

Beetein waqt ko sudhar nahi sakti.
Joh gum diya tha usse bhula nahi sakti.
Ab joh sambhali hoon thori si,
Tum se yeh duri badha nahi kar sakti.

Never longed to meet someone so much. Never longed to meet him so much. The recurring thought of running towards him and giving him a *tight* hug never seems to tire my mind.

Yeh waqt cheez hi aisi hai,
Joh itna intezar karvati hai.
Dil ko sambhalna ho jata hai mushkil,
Yeh itna usse machla joh deti hai.

Time and perception play a fun game with us. Time remains constant but the perception of time enjoys messing our heads up. Time seems to pass by with a blink of an eye when we want it to be slow so that we can enjoy every single moment. But sometimes it’s so slow that one second feels like a lifetime when you want it to pass by within a flick made the finger.

Khushi joh tumse mil kar hoti hai,
Woh tum kya jaano.
Dil mein sab chupane ki koshish rehti hai.
Par yeh aankhe dhoka dena se Peeche kabhi nahi hati hai.

The eyes reveal what the heart tries to hide. The smile on my face also doesn’t stay back to tell all about my cries. You have a way to look right through me, like an open book I’m to you. Read me again, till you’ve known everything. The darkest of fears, the brightest of ideas. ‘Cause it keeps missing you like you would miss your coffee in the milk.

😊

Blogger’s Feels

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Blogging, music, art, sketching.

These are a few things that I can’t survive without. They help me escape, taking me to a whole different world. Where it’s just me and my thoughts.

It’s like they hold my hand and take me places, making me feel excited about feeling anything.

My head would probably explode if I leave (or stop) any of the above things. They help me create my horcuxs just like Voldemort did in Harry Potter, but in a good way.

To write is to believe.

To draw is to believe.

The letting oneself loose into music is to believe.

Sometimes belief is all we have.

☺️

Happy Birthday Harvey!

Na Kuch Poocha, Na Kuch Manga

Tune Dil Se Diya Jo Diya

Na Kuch Bola, Na Kuch Tola

Muskura Ke Diya Jo Diya

Tu Hi Dhoop, Tu Hi Chau

Tu Hi Apna Paraya

Aur Kuch Na Janu, Bas Itna Hi Janu

Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai, Yaara Mein Kya Karun

You take care of me like a little baby, you tease me like a little sister and you have deep conversations with me like a friend. 🙂

I still don’t know what I mean to you. But I hope I always have a special place in your heart no matter how many people come in or go out of your life. The cute annoying little constant of your big adventurous life. 😛

hey

It’s your birthday. 25th of April. The day is finally here. I know you don’t get much excited for birthdays but I hope this time I could make one exception. From talking to your friends to completing your gift, all I wanted to be right next to you on this day. Irritating you, annoying you, jumping around the house wishing you, eating your head up, give you squirmy hugs and just not letting you. Making you sing, dancing like crazy. Me being high on you and you being high on alcohol. Going for a long drive with beautiful music in the car. Walking down the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves and talking about anything and everything.

But, reality had to kick in and take this all away. Manipal and Kolkata, miles away, the distance keeping us apart. Everyone is getting to meet you and here I am getting super jealous of it. Well, making me jealous is probably the easiest thing for you anyway. But when the day ends and all are gone, go to your window, grab a smoke and dial Donna on your phone. This silly girl will be waiting to hear about all your day.

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You better have a kickass day and enjoy for the both of us. Because it’s your day. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to celebrate.

So many emotions being felt, so many thoughts running around me head, that it is next to impossible to write down anything properly. But, all I can think of is you. Just smiling and enjoying every bit of today. I don’t want to say how much you’ve done for me or what I have done for you or anything much related to that, all I know is we have a different chemistry. Something that no one, trust me, no one in this world can understand leaving the two of us. And that is more than enough.

Having you beside me. Happy days. Sad days. All days.

Your Bachcha to Your Donna,

Forever.

Iloveyou ❤

Story Of The Butterfly.

She wants to be a beautiful butterfly,

But it is difficult to see someone crush her in front of my eyes.

20 years of staying in her cocoon, she knew it was finally her time to flap those wings and finally turn into what she had always dreamed of. Going to places and exploring worlds was just the tip of the ice berg. This pretty butterfly would always want more.

The time slowly came close. Every anxious moment felt long. But deep down her heart she knew it would be all what she has been looking for. To get out in the big world. Show everyone her colourful enormous wings.

Flap! Flap! Flap to every place,

And leave a little colour with perfect grace.

But the world was very different. Every moment felt like in a cage and every urge was to go back to the cocoon because she thought she couldn’t face all this. But giving up was not in her blood. She was caught between the struggle; all by herself she had no clue what she wanted to do.

Fought like a warrior and conquered all hearts.

She made a little place in everyone’s chart.

Happiness, did give up in the end and knocked the heart of the little butterfly hoping it could enter her life. Singing and dancing she welcomed him, making the best of the situation was something new she had learnt.

Jumping to places and trying out new things were in full speed. The wings had finally gained its pace and stopping was the last thing she had in her mind. She slowly became a part of the sunshine. Rose in the morning, spreading her wings like light, people waited for her even for a single sight.

But as nothing lasts forever happiness had to leave. But giving her hope that he will come back soon. She let the door open.

Comes in the human, trying to befriend our precious butterfly. Not knowing she is to be loved from a little distance and not by catching her in the fist. Little did our butterfly knew, what was in store for her. She thought best of the world and put her faith in that human.

Everything seemed perfect for a while. Countless moments and beautiful memories were getting stored in her mind. But as I said before, nothing lasts forever. Things had to change that’s how the universe functions.

Little did she know she would be caught,

Every breath of hers taken by the human felt like a draught.

Now the end seems near, but the butterfly seems to struggle in every possible flare. Happiness said he would be back, all our eyes are on that. Little precious doesn’t deserve it. The world has so much more for her that awaits.

The longing of flying again keeps her alive,

In the hope that one day she will survive.

He Was Others Whiskey Lover But My Coffee Person

When I looked in the mirror,

That’s when he noticed.

The smile of mine was queerer,

But a smirk on his face floated.

 

Calling him a junkie was just a start,

As the prank call before it was also a part.

I could say anything but not depart,

But deep down I knew he was smart.

 

The clock would strike midnight,

And this Cinderella would hear from him.

Conversations lasting till sunrise,

The stories seemed to never end.

 

The feelings grew stronger,

Day by day.

But she knew it wouldn’t last longer,

As forever was not theirs to stay.

None the less time spent well,

She would cherish it till the end.

Reminded by the coffee smell,

The memories she knew would be difficult to send.

 

Dark went every little things,

Once he walked away.

All she needed was her wings,

For the memories to slowly sway.

 

But then he came back being Harvey,

To the Donna she was now.

Still not being different from Bob Marley,

But everything was different she didn’t know how.

 

Ups and downs,

Were the new favourites.

The music sounds,

Of their voice were sweeter than chocolates.

 

Times they would cherish,

Both of them knew.

Something they didn’t want to perish,

As they would be stuck with the blue.

 

But moments were becoming memories,

As time took a flight.

Every glimpse seemed like centuries,

When not meeting each other seemed like a night.

 

Love and hate,

Joy and sorrow.

People thought we were on dates,

But the least we could care ‘bout what came tomorrow.

 

Things still did end,

As they were supposed to.

But she knew in her heart a string bend,

When she saw they were left with nothing but adieu.

 

30 Years of Togetherness

Happy Anniversary Mumma Papa! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

 

There is so much I’ve learnt from you in these 21 years of my life, that it is difficult to put it to words. But that doesn’t mean its not worth a try. 😊

 

Papa, you’ve been my role model since my school used to make us fill those blue forms every year, asking me to write “Who’s your role model?” 😋

And the answer to this question still hasn’t changed.

There are a lot of memories we’ve shared together over these past years and there is still more to come. Each time I had faced something new, you helped me do the right thing.

But our relationship is deeper than just learning.

There is this one incident that really moved me. It was a usual Friday night, I told you all about my day and how I had my first Spanish learning class. I was all excited with the new words I had learnt. That’s when you went on to tell me about how you always wanted to learn a different language. I calmed down a bit after hearing this; and you go on telling how you can see that dream coming true through me and I couldn’t find the words to express how listening to what you said made me feel. I was happy and overwhelmed at the same time.

I think a little part me wants to become a doctor to see your eyes sparkle when you see your little girl changing your dream into reality. 😊

 

Mumma. I get my emotional side from you. You’ve shown me how it feels to be loved and cared for. I think parents try to teach their kids a lot of things. Belief is one thing that can be the toughest to teach. You know you haven’t succeeded until the child herself feels it’s okay to believe against all odds. Even with the fights and frequent crying spells we have, the most important thing you’ve taught me is how to believe. How to believe in myself and others, how not to let situations take the better of us. 😊

 

Writing all this doesn’t mean I’m no more going to be the little annoying making you both crazy kid who doesn’t listen to you all the time but that you’ll have to patiently wait for your little girl to come back to you and give you both a tight hug. 😋

 

30 long years and I can still see you both blush at each other during your cute moments. I can only wish and hope to find a special relation with someone like the one you both share.

I know I will always be loved and I will always love you both.

Some Dark Nights Never End

I lie down on my bed every night before I sleep… take out my phone and look at your picture. I stare at that beautiful smile and keep wondering what went wrong? What went so wrong that things became difficult between us? That what happened to you? What happened that you became like this? And every single night I blame myself for all of it.

I close my eyes and remember every single moment I spent with you. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday when we used to pour our hearts into those simple words, but sometimes it feels another life time, when I look back at the times nothing could go wrong or no one could ever come between us.

Every night I sleep, I tell myself that I’ll be the girl who meant so much to you, the next morning I get up and all the next morning I get up. But the moment I talk to you, the coldness inside you feels so strong that my warm heart breaks in front of it.

I keep hoping that one day or someday you’ll come back. You’ll be the friend you always were. The one, who used to shower all his love and affection over this little girl, but that day, goes on distancing from me the moment I feel it’s almost here.

It feels so right to be with you, to have you around all the time, but at the same time it even feels so wrong when I place it in my reality. It’s like you are there and still seems like we are miles apart.

I feel that I have to compete with all your friends because they always seem to so better than me in any aspect you pick up. Things become even more difficult when I don’t even know where do I even stand in your life or do I even mean anything to you or my presence even makes the slightest difference in your life.

The worst question of all is the one that keeps killing me from inside, is that do I still have the power to make you smile…?

My Brother. My Hero.

Sometimes it is better to have a brother than a hero…

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I am not going to see my brother for another two months from now. It is not the first time he has gone. He has been in college from the past two years now and has being coming on and off and spending time with family.

But I don’t know why this time seems so different. Everything around me seems so empty. I miss his presence. The computer table seems clean, there aren’t wires all over my room and the music is not on loud. I no more see the jeans lying on my bed, knowing the moment I will pick it up something or the other is bound to fall from it. The dining table seems so quite while I am sitting there. No more GK questions to be bombarded on me while having my meals. No more fighting to sit beside dad on the dining table. No more sitting beside him and watching ‘Lie to Me’ or waiting for his Top Gear episode to get over so that I could be able to use the computer.

Without his sarcastic comments all the conversations seem so dull. In his defense all he has to say that how can he resist himself while we leave a sentence open in front of him. (I call him the God of Sarcasm 😛 )

It is not that he used to stay at home all the time. Even if he did, he would spend half of the time sleeping as he would be dead tired by playing FIFA all night with his friends. During the day when he used to go out, it would seem as if I was roaming around with him. Like having breakfast in Flurys, lunch in Bar-B-Q, snacks in Sharma and dinner at Jai Hind Dhaba.

Now he has gone back to college and I am continuously listening to ‘Impossible’ by James Arthur as he used to keep listening to it again and again and never got tired of it, had some fascination for this song. Sitting in front of the computer and laughing like an idiot while listening to ‘Love Song for No One’ by John Mayer. 🙂

This moment reminds me of a poem I had studied in school which explained how a bird is a live wire for a tree and when it leaves how everything in the tree becomes silent. People say daughters are the life of a family but my brother is the live wire of our house and it feels so lifeless when now he is not around.

I know he has only gone for two months but this time I just miss him so much. Come back soon.. 😥

Tiny Little Believer Losing Her Belief

It hurts. It hurts every single day. How can someone I love make me feel so small, so little that I feel worthless? How can a person drive a sword through my heart and expect me to be all happy about it? How can someone make me feel so terrible that I’m being forced to think that I am the worst person living among millions of other human beings in this world? How can you treat me like shit and at the same time expect me to love you back? How can you just put all the blame on me and not even expect me to say a word in my defense? How can you compare my feelings to that of someone else’s and expect me not to feel insulted? How can you say that I don’t feel the same way I used to do? Are you the one going through the pain? Are you the one staying up all night crying to yourself and waking up the other morning as if nothing happened? Are you the one putting a fake smile on your face every day you step out of your house? Are you??

Judging me in every little thing as if I have a hidden agenda just because I feel for you? How can you make me feel so shallow, so miserable? How??

Am I actually so small? So unimportant that I deserve to be treated like this? Have I not gone through enough struggles in my life that you HAVE to make my life worse for me every single day… Or every single second I breathe on this earth? Haven’t I done any good deeds in my life that could help me ask God to reduce my suffering? Have I behaved so badly with people that it’s now my time to pay back?

After everything I have done, every time I stood by you in your troubles, accepted the facts of life with you, does it actually come down to this? Does it actually come down to NOTHING? Every time I cared, every time I made an effort to improve our friendship, no matter how difficult things were getting between us, I THOUGHT it still meant something to you and you still end up doubting me on every road of our friendship.

But ‘reality’ just blew on face. I was wrong. I was wrong all the way long. I don’t mean anything to you. I’m equivalent to not being there in your life only. You are so ignorant when it comes to me that I feel like I am invisible not just to you, but to all the people around me. I feel so messed up that I try to suppress EVERY single emotion I feel because you just sunk this thought in me so deep that the “more you care, the weaker you are”. And tell me who wants to be weak in this world, in this world with people like you?

The more power I give you to hurt me, the more badly you do it.

I had always put OUR friendship over MY feelings. But it is so sad that you NEVER understood this and kept bringing my feelings between us. You no more understand me or maybe you never did and it was just an illusion that I had created in my life.

It has been a very very long time since you cared about me, only I couldn’t see it.

Forever Free For Monkey Meetings :P

As the clouds slowly take over the sky, the memories of school, in my mind flash by. Looking at the rain falling from the distant sky, I sit there recalling all the good times that I had spent in my life. 🙂

It was his first day of school when I saw those innocent eyes. Those tiny little feet that made their way through the crowd into the huge school. Remembering the time when I used to give my bag to my mother and would carry his bag with me, so that he did not have to take the load. Going back together in the same carpool was all the memory I had of him for a few years. Whenever I used to pass by the blue gate at the entrance of his house’s lane, would always remind me of the time we used to drop him home after school.

And soon time passed by, he grew in his world and I in my. I had forgotten that we both were in the same school also; before I again saw him in the volley ball court with those same innocent eyes he has of his mother. 😛

My school was getting over; there were hundreds of people I would never see in my life again. So I decided to thank everyone, whom I had known since I entered school, for being there in my life and having a small, but important role in it. A list of people was made so that I could make sure I didn’t miss anyone.

Finally Mayank’s name came. I typed the whole thank you part and back spaced it… It had been ages since I had my last conversation with him. I was obviously not sure that should I send it or not. Finally with a lot of courage I retyped the whole thing and pressed the enter button. And thought for a second “God only knows what is going to happen next…” And to my surprise his reply was “Yes! We’ll stay in touch for sure.” It felt like warmth in that winter season. Annddd… That is how we started talking once again…

312400_10151406055091293_485986677_nHe is one of the best people I have come across in my life. The most decent guy I could ever meet till date. Trusting him is so easy that at times it feels as if he is too good to be true. But, that no way stops me from sharing my silliest thoughts with him. It is one of the easiest things to have a conversation with him. He is that small kid who still loves watching Tom and Jerry but on the other hand, like all boys is a car freak. When he feels cold in winter, he feels cold and doesn’t think even for a second before admitting it. I can have my five minute depressed conversation with him and again get back to laughing at the most random thing. There is this charm he has with people which allows him to get away with everything he does. He is one person who surely knows how to be in the good books of his friends and other people around him. 🙂

Those long walks, the stupid conversations and the silly volley ball shots, I am going to miss everything. Calling him monkey and posting all those random photos on his wall, knowing he gets annoyed by them. I know it is not the end and we’ll stay in touch. But still… I am going to miss him more than I thought.

It is strange how suddenly we have come to know each other so well and I hope things continue to be as good as they are now between us. I hope he stays in my life so that I don’t get a chance to miss him only.

(A little courage helped me get my friend back.)

Love you hamesha and forever Monkey :*

He Made Me Feel How Freedom Felt :)

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
― John Lennon

I love surprises and Life has never failed to surprise me at any moment, be it in a good way or a bad way. I have learnt that nothing is permanent in our lives; happiness, sadness, friends, family, money or even things. Everyone has a small role to play, once they are done with their task they leave us and go. And it is bound for us to keep moving on with our life or else we will be left behind. And there will be a moment when it will be difficult for us to find our self. So it is better to start accepting things as they come or make such an effort so that we are able to change the things in our life.

I partly accept things as they come to me and partly take a risk to do things my way. The second half of my attitude has made me make big blunders in my life, but the first half has at times given me more than I deserve. Or maybe it is just that I value or appreciate the happiness I get a little more than others do, as I know how terrible it feels to go through the bad phase.

Last night I was lying on my bed and recalling all the events that happened during the day. Suddenly a thought passed by and I realized no matter how much my life is fucked up, it does not take my share of happiness from me.

May 3, 2013 was one of the longest days of my life that I actually enjoyed. Getting up at 5.30 in the morning and waking AB up. Making sure he comes to teach me. Lying down on the bed half asleep and asking myself ‘Am I dreaming or is he actually going to turn up?’ After 15 minutes my phone starts to vibrate and I somehow managed to look at the name flash and answered the call. 15 minutes and he would be there at my door step. I got up from my bed, washed my face, checked my call log once again to assure myself that I was not dreaming and suddenly realized that he was actually coming. He was there helping me with the study material for a few hours and soon we bid each other good bye by telling it was a pleasure meeting. He went back to his life and so did I. After struggling from my law and math tuition I headed back home, had lunch and rushed to my school for some paper work. Aaaaaannnddd surprise, surprise! He was also there. He was the last person I was expecting to crash into. (But.. Didn’t I tell you, I love surprises 🙂 )

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We spoke to each other as if there was this unknown trust between us which was so strong that we didn’t have to think twice before telling something. He walked me back to my house and the whole time I was looking at him and wondering is he the same person I used to see in school? The same one whom I made sure I was not near him or his group. And now the same person looked so different to me. He was mischievous and funny but yet so simple and comforting. Everything felt so light and so good. The day was my escape from reality. I felt free, maybe just for a few hours, but I could feel freedom all around me. Trust me at that point nothing could have felt better.

Friends help us make things so simple for us no matter how complicated the solution might be. But at least we know there is a solution and if not they do help us to take a break.

I have come to another conclusion that we should not judge people on how they look or with whom they hang out or spend time, it totally depends on who they are from within and how good they make us feel. And it feels good to feel the lightness of life. The feeling of having things in life without strings being attached to them, away from darkness and the gloomy world.

I am not sad because the day passed by knowing it will not come back to me soon, but I am smiling because I lived every moment of that day.

Keep Smiling 🙂

Has The Difficulty Level Actually Risen?

Is it so difficult to stand by me? Even after everything I did for you or am still doing for you? Is it actually so difficult to be a little easy on me when I am in my transition period? My school just got over, I gave my boards and from the third day I had my CPT tuitions started. The happiness of my boards getting over didn’t even fade away that I had to get back to studying. I even over looked the part where you didn’t even bother asking me how my exams went. When all my friends did, people I didn’t expect, even they asked me how they were and you didn’t even have the time to send me a message.

Career problems have taken over my life. Things are becoming difficult for me day by day and my attempt in making everything normal fails every time I try to convince myself that I will find a way out through these problems. It is not that I am not capable of doing what is expected for me. It is just that I am not sure is it actually what I want to do.

But even after all the chaos and confusion in my life, I try to be normal when it comes to talking to you. I try my best to send you a good morning wish no matter how late I might have slept last night. I even try to understand that you are facing a lot of changes right now; things are going pretty bad in your life too. But the point is I understand or at least I try my best to understand and you don’t even try to understand me.

You know it is you who has the power to make me smile when I have tears rolling down my eyes; it is you who has the key to my heart. You have always known the perfect thing to tell me so that my happiness regains its flow in my body. But what has happened to you now? Why can’t I see you beside me?

Why don’t you understand I can only be weak in front of you and no one else? It is way easier to open my heart in front of you and tell everything that I feel instead of explaining it to someone else. Why don’t you understand? Do I make it so difficult for you to stand by my side and support me? I am not even asking you to save me. All I ask for is your presence in my life, your voice ring through my ears once a day so that I can calm myself down from whatever that is happening in my life.

I know you need to talk to many other people, you need to call them, I even told you I will make an initiative to call you so that we can talk. Why don’t you understand I can no more see you? I can no more see that smile from a distant and feel safe. I can’t make all the effort to keep this friendship going on. I need you to at least give me one reason to stand by you and I will give you all I have. Just one reason will be more than enough for me. Is it so difficult to do that also?

The saddest part is you know everything. You know how I feel and you even know how to make me feel better. But you don’t do anything to comfort me. Even if you do, at times it is too late. Till that time I might have already gone through a lot. Maybe you understand everything. But tell me, why understand me so well when you are going to pretend that you know nothing.

Be there for me now. Make me feel your presence in my life now. I need you now.

Is it actually so difficult?

Happiness Does Make Me Feel Content :)

Life is as complicated as we want to make it. Truly said by someone that it is not the problem in our life which is the problem; it is our attitude towards the problem which decides the intensity of it. People can only hurt you till the time you love them. You win, when you stop caring. It is as simple as that. But I know it is not that easy to implement it in our lives. But, yes if we really want to solve a problem in our life and get over it, no matter how much time it takes or no matter how much pain we have to bear. There will come a day when we actually find a ray of light in our dark life. Ummm… Not even a ray of light, there will surely come a day when you come out in the sunshine and play under the infinite sky.

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Then you will suddenly start hoping for the moment to stay forever and that it never ends. But from my personal experience I suggest, it will be better if you don’t hope anything like this because as sad moments don’t stay forever, even happy times don’t. But this thought should no way stop you from enjoying the moment to its fullest. It is better to value what you have at the right time rather than regret it being what you had in your life.

Till yesterday it seemed like forever the last time I actually laughed my heart out. But today life has something better in store for me. Not that I haven’t suffered much or I am still not suffering. It is just that the wonderful moments I spend with my friends compensate for all the pain I have to go through. It feels heavenly when they do everything to make me smile. Even I do my part by being a good listener, a support system. But at times it feels as if they give me a little extra happiness than what I deserve, which in turn makes me feel more special. Small gestures make so much of a difference in my life.  That smile which I give to comfort them, the hug that I wish could never end. That drive that shows me a new dimension of the city I live in. Playing video games after ages and realizing how much I missed it.

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It is true, I am blessed by wonderful friends in my life which help me find a new way to happiness no matter how twisted the road might seem. It is a little difficult to write down when I feel happy and I still can’t figure out why. But by no chance it lessens the intensity of my happiness. Maybe I just want that feeling to stay within me so that its value or worth doesn’t diminish in my heart.

I am happy and it obviously feels good. I don’t know for how long it will last. But I will enjoy it, treasure every second because life is very uncertain. What I have today might not be with me tomorrow. The reason can be anything. Maybe the role of that person in my life would soon end and I would have to move on. But I don’t want to end up regretting anything. I have the opportunity to be happy now, to smile like I have never been hurt and I will live it to the fullest. Because I know what I have gone through and it is now my time, it is time for me to be happy, to be selfish and only care about people who love me with all they have. All I want them is to realize everyday they get up in the morning is that I love them today, I will love them tomorrow. This is all I have and this is the most I can give and they deserve every bit of it because it was them who were awake with me on all those dark nights when I used to stay up just to cry my heart out. So now when I am happy not only because I want to be but because they were always there to motivate me to smile even when my life had a rainy phase. It is time for me to do my bit to make sure even they smile.

I feel good. And it feels better when I am a reason behind someone else’s smile.

🙂

I Might Not Have Everything That I WANT, But I Have Everything That I NEED.

I always wanted someone to get down on his knees, holding a rose in his hand and confessing his feeling for me. Him being the first one to start my day and the last one I end it with. A person, who would fall for my smile over and over again no matter how many times he sees it. Making me feel like I am the most special person in his life, spending ample time with me so that I don’t feel like an unwanted person in his life. Someone who would trust me, respect me and never forget to show how much he loves me rather than telling me how much he does, I always wanted a fairy tale type Prince in my life who would make me feel like a princess. Who would actually prove the fact of “Happily Ever After” in my life and make me come alive.

Then comes a moment when I realized, think before you wish for something, it might just happen. The wish of my life came true. I guess I found someone who could give me what I wanted for so long. I would no more had to feel lonely; no more nights would pass by crying me to sleep. I could actually see the moments or things I had always wanted in my life actually find a way to reach me.

I always wanted more fairy tale moments or a beautiful, magical life. But it is not something I NEED in my life. I feel complete without being emotionally involved with someone. I feel content even when I don’t have a lover in my life. I am happy with whatever I have in life. My family, stud best friends 😛 and my wonderful close friends. There were times when I felt that there was a vacuum in my life, I used to feel empty, it used to feel as if I was missing something in life. But it is not true. I have been blessed by everything I need in my life.

Plus Economics and Business Studies have taught me to satisfy my needs first and then go for the things I want. The feeling I got when I felt content from within was out of the world. It was so calming. I felt complete even with all the flaws around me, within me.

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Maybe it is not necessary to have a boy friend in life. Sometimes we are complete in life without a few things being in it. And the fact that I love someone else.. Ummm.. my love for him is Pure. All I want him is to be there in my life. Give me a part of him. I guess that is all I need. He makes me believe in unconditional love. Though I do expect a few things from him, which is but natural as it is human nature to expect. But he makes me happy even with the smallest gesture of care. And I realized this is all I need and want in my life.

I have learnt how not to classify love, not to love people by the relationship tag. Love should be pure. If I love someone means I love that person. I can’t justify myself by how much I love him/her. Love doesn’t have boundaries, it is limitless, infinite.

At times we should get what we had always wanted in order to realize that we already have what we need. 🙂

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Acceptance Is Necessary At Times.

I don’t care what people think about you and me. You are my friend and I’m proud of this fact. That doesn’t mean I’ll go on telling stuff about you to people. That just means that I’ll proudly accept that you are my friend and expect you to do the same. It doesn’t mean that we’ll break each other’s trust. It just means we won’t care what people have to say about our friendship. I don’t want to care about other people’s reactions. I don’t want this friendship to be a secret. We both know there is nothing to hide then why behave in front of people that we don’t know each other? All I want us to be like normal friends. I don’t want boundaries or conditions or restrictions in our friendship.

Accepting our friendship in front of everyone and telling people about is two very different things. The last thing I want is to hide something. You are a part of my reality. Why are we running away from this fact? Please don’t mistake it by me going on telling people about us, revealing our secrets or anything. All I want is to be accepted. I don’t want to think twice before starting a conversation with you in public or maybe commenting on your Facebook photo. I just want it to be normal, simple.

It is not about people, it’s just about the two of us and the freedom of our friendship. Why does the situation have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be so difficult to even tell you ‘Hi!’ in front of two people? Why do I always have to find another way to get to you so that none of your friends see us talking? Why can’t we be like normal friends? It is not that I want to show off our friendship. It is just that I don’t want you to think what others have to say if I come up and talk to you or what they have to say if they see our friendship on a social website.

Why do you think so much? Why do you have to think to such an extent that you make things difficult for both of us? At times you should just go with the flow and let life show you what is in store for you. We can’t control everything that happens to us.. Can we?

I seriously don’t know how explain you what I want. But I really hope you understand what I mean to say, like you always do. And not end up judging me.

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Simple.

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I Will Let Go. For This Is The Right Thing To Do.

I’m not actually going through a good phase right now. Everything seems messed up; wherever I look nothing seems to be in my control. I can’t control my anger nor can I control what I feel. It seems as if everything that I am feeling is heightened, my emotions have become stronger and every little thing I used to feel has become intense. I guess I have started feeling for someone. It bothers me when this person is upset or even when this person is sad. Since the time we met I’m trying to define my feelings, define this relationship in my life, but I somehow can’t do it. I don’t know what I am going through or what am I feeling. All I know is that I shouldn’t feel this way. It is not right for me or that person. And I know it will never be right. After all the ups and downs of this relationship, I’m scared to open up in front of this person. I’m scared. I can’t be weak in front of so many people in my life. I trust this person. I trust this person with my life. But, I’m scared to accept that I.. I.. I feel for this person. It’s weird. We have similar likes; we understand love the same way. This person can make me smile even when I have every reason to just sit and cry. I can fight, I can laugh, and I can just be there beside this person. It is strange that how this one person can make me understand to get over failed expectations, how easy can he make things for me and convince me to take a chill pill. Remembering all my dreams, knowing exactly where I belong. Furious this person gets when I whine and adores my sudden outbursts for ice cream. Just a call away, I know this person is. But still seems far away because I know it’s not right and it will never be. It’s just a mixture of emotions, a phase of life. All I’m waiting is for my college to start. So that I can close one chapter of my life in order to start a new one. It’s not that I won’t have this person in my life; it’s just that I will close my heart to all the feelings and go into hibernation with my career. At least Vampire Diaries has taught me how to turn off the switch and get in to study mode.

Everything is going to be okay in my life. If not today, but soon.. It’s okay to have hope because sometimes it’s all that keep us going.

xoxo

Ian Somerhalder a.k.a Damon Salvatore

Damon Salvatore 🙂

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Damon is a fictional character from the television series ‘The Vampire Diaries’. I don’t know from where to start from. But.. Uhmm.. Every time I see him, I fall in love with him all over again.

Damon is the hottest guy I have ever come across. I never used to like the villains of any movie or serial. But, when it comes to Damon, everything changes. He is not actually the villain. According to him there should be someone to do the dirty work in order to save the day.
I love to way he smiles and then gives that smirk. The way he plays with his eyes, which always seem to sparkle… Ohh! Those green eyes.. I could just dive into them and never come back. And then the way he holds Elena, brings her close to him, holds her tight, dances with her while the slow music is playing in the background and then kisses her. How much I wish I was the one in his arms. To see him change when he falls in love is just so adorable. The way he changes from a selfish person, to thinking only for the better of his love. His dialogues just take my heart away. The way he expresses his love, his anger, I can feel it in every word he says. To see him avoid things and get angry just because he is hurt, is so painful. The way he portrays his emotions over the screen makes me feel each and every feeling he his going through. Seems as if I am in that fictional world with him, living every moment. I love the way he puts my thoughts into his words..
This is what he told her love (Elena) when he saw her for the first time.

“You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger… I want you to get everything you’re looking for.” 🙂

There is this one line of his to which I totally agree to is that..

“When people see good, they expect good. And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Its better not to show people how good we are, they start expecting us to always be good.

The moment when his humanity shows.. *sighs* I could give up everything to see him that way. 😛

“Somewhere along the way, you decided I was worth saving. I wanted to thank you for that.”
“You hated me before and we became friends. It would suck if that was gone forever”

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The moment when he confronts his feelings, looks into her eyes and says.. “I need to say it once. You need to hear it. I love you, Elena.” There couldn’t have been a better way to be the good guy, to leave his love because she is Stefan’s girl friend. He makes me feel the pain he goes through when he has fallen in love with his brother’s girl and can’t help but love her more. And when both of us know that at the end of the its him who is going to protect Elena.

The times when I go through a bad day, it reminds me of his dialogue.. “I feel. And it sucks.”
But at the end of the day he feels, he is capable of greatness.
Just realized, people who show that they are the strongest are the ones who need to be loved the most.

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When he is in love, I could just watch him all day and hope it was for me. The way he protects her, makes her question life, takes her to the edge and saves her every time, without even caring about himself. He could take anyone’s life, just to save her girl at a blink of an eye.
Its true. He is a fictional character. In reality it is next to impossible to find someone who loves like this.

He makes me love him, believe in things he does. And the best part is even when he does all the bad things I love him because he does it for a good reason, he does it to save the day. To make things right, he puts all the blame on himself. He risks his feelings, loves even when he knows its wrong. But.. he makes me love the feeling of love, more and more everyday. 🙂

And I guess I forgot to tell you one thing. He is a vampire. So when he says he loves her forever. He actually means forever. And forever is where he will start from. 🙂

Hoping For The Best, Letting God Do The Rest.

9th March 1995 came into this world, a little girl who is going to turn 18 in a month. The small little fingers have now grown long, the innocent girl has now come to the stage where she has to finally grow up into an adult, the little bruises that used to hurt her have now turned into heart breaks which increase the pain, that smile which used to come on her face by giving her a toffee, now comes when she gets a hug. And this girl is no one else but Me. 😛

But one thing for sure has not changed and I doubt it will ever change. That is, my birthday is the best day of my life. Nothing can replace the feeling, the excitement I get when this day comes closer and closer. Ever year I feel soo special on this day. Everyone in my life does everything possible to make this one day, the most memorable one for me. Though every year I am always a little scared because I am always unsure of what is actually going to happen on this day, what will they actually do for me and soo many questions just fill up my head. This is the one feeling out of all the excitement which calms me down as soon as there are just a few days left for my birthday. But I always end up having the best day of my year.

Every year I used to celebrate my birthday for a week. But this year things are going to be different. My boards will be going on and I will not be able to celebrate. 😥 I am somehow not expecting much from my friends. Maybe because everyone will be having their exams on. Or maybe I don’t want to be disappointed on my 18 birthday. It is going to be the worst feeling if something happens like this. All these years my birthday has been so good, its just that this year I am more of scared than excited.

I don’t want any gifts or presents or beautiful cards. All I want is, the first thing I see when I get up from my sleep on that day is my friends in front of me. All I want is to see ALL my friends whom I have know from my childhood till date do be there with me on this special day.

I am just hoping for the best and expecting the least. 🙂

I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?

I’ve been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be?

[What so ever happens on that day, I know it is going to be the best I could ever get.]

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