Category Archives: Me
You seem distant,
But not gone.
To endless conversations at night,
Which used to last till dawn.
The longing to hear your voice,
Comes to my mind now and then.
Such posts remind me of you,
Asking me our next meeting is when.
The answer to this question,
Is as lost as it can be.
But the heart hopes for sure,
That the time is not too far to see.
(Some relations are beyond anyone’s understanding.)
His favorite memory with me,
That’s what I asked.
All he could think was about,
The first kiss we had when it rained.
The moment I read this,
The corner of my lips glimpsed a smile.
My heart danced a little,
Even when I read that text after a while.
Took me back to that very day,
Reliving the memory again.
In that moment,
I couldn’t feel any pain.
I was busy in telling him,
That it better not stop raining.
He had a cold of his own,
Couldn’t think straight about what he was wishing.
In the car,
We both were.
Stuck in traffic,
Surrounded by cars here.
He told to come out of the car,
I was taken aback in that moment.
Opened the door and came out,
For not once cared about the government.
We took our steps,
Stood in front of the car.
In the middle of the road,
There we both were.
He grabbed my waist,
And didn’t wait another second.
Kissed my lips,
And made my knees almost bend.
We came back inside,
With racing hearts.
The looks of people around us,
Seemed like shooting darts.
Everything happened so quick,
It took me all by a start.
Finally I had time to think,
About a new firsts we could add to our cart.
This moment would stay forever,
In the ocean of memories.
He made it so special,
I’ll carry it within me for centuries.
Sitting beside the window,
Gazing at the night sky.
All I can think about him,
And do is cry.
The laughter in his voice,
The smoothness of his skin.
Longingness to meet him,
Never seems to end.
He’s lying there on his bed,
Thinking about everything but me.
Here I’m missing him so much,
The old photos are the only thing I can see.
He seems happy in his life,
With friends and family around.
Did I not make a difference,
When I was there all along?
Doesn’t he miss my smell,
My smile, my voice?
The excitement around him,
The way I miss his smile?
Little can I understand,
When I’m drowned in all this emotion.
Wish he was here to help,
To comfort me from all this commotion.
Nothing seems enough,
Because he is not here.
All I want is to jump to the place,
Where he is home there.
There is not much that I want,
Just one sign of care.
Or that one sign,
That I mattered.
Is it too much to ask,
From my love?
But what can I say,
When I myself am in discomfort.
Happiness is long due,
It is time for it to come.
Hope is the only string I’ve held,
That is keeping me in sense.
Log kehte hai “Pyaar dosti hai”. Ki agar woh meri sabse achi dost nahi ban sakti toh main usse kabhi pyaar kar hi nahi sakta.
Par, mere liye “Dosti pyaar hai”. Ki agar main usse sabse zayada pyaar nahi karti toh woh mera sabse acha dost kaise hoga.
Beetein waqt ko sudhar nahi sakti.
Joh gum diya tha usse bhula nahi sakti.
Ab joh sambhali hoon thori si,
Tum se yeh duri badha nahi kar sakti.
Never longed to meet someone so much. Never longed to meet him so much. The recurring thought of running towards him and giving him a *tight* hug never seems to tire my mind.
Yeh waqt cheez hi aisi hai,
Joh itna intezar karvati hai.
Dil ko sambhalna ho jata hai mushkil,
Yeh itna usse machla joh deti hai.
Time and perception play a fun game with us. Time remains constant but the perception of time enjoys messing our heads up. Time seems to pass by with a blink of an eye when we want it to be slow so that we can enjoy every single moment. But sometimes it’s so slow that one second feels like a lifetime when you want it to pass by within a flick made the finger.
Khushi joh tumse mil kar hoti hai,
Woh tum kya jaano.
Dil mein sab chupane ki koshish rehti hai.
Par yeh aankhe dhoka dena se Peeche kabhi nahi hati hai.
The eyes reveal what the heart tries to hide. The smile on my face also doesn’t stay back to tell all about my cries. You have a way to look right through me, like an open book I’m to you. Read me again, till you’ve known everything. The darkest of fears, the brightest of ideas. ‘Cause it keeps missing you like you would miss your coffee in the milk.
Blogging, music, art, sketching.
These are a few things that I can’t survive without. They help me escape, taking me to a whole different world. Where it’s just me and my thoughts.
It’s like they hold my hand and take me places, making me feel excited about feeling anything.
My head would probably explode if I leave (or stop) any of the above things. They help me create my horcuxs just like Voldemort did in Harry Potter, but in a good way.
To write is to believe.
To draw is to believe.
The letting oneself loose into music is to believe.
Sometimes belief is all we have.
When I looked in the mirror,
That’s when he noticed.
The smile of mine was queerer,
But a smirk on his face floated.
Calling him a junkie was just a start,
As the prank call before it was also a part.
I could say anything but not depart,
But deep down I knew he was smart.
The clock would strike midnight,
And this Cinderella would hear from him.
Conversations lasting till sunrise,
The stories seemed to never end.
The feelings grew stronger,
Day by day.
But she knew it wouldn’t last longer,
As forever was not theirs to stay.
None the less time spent well,
She would cherish it till the end.
Reminded by the coffee smell,
The memories she knew would be difficult to send.
Dark went every little things,
Once he walked away.
All she needed was her wings,
For the memories to slowly sway.
But then he came back being Harvey,
To the Donna she was now.
Still not being different from Bob Marley,
But everything was different she didn’t know how.
Ups and downs,
Were the new favourites.
The music sounds,
Of their voice were sweeter than chocolates.
Times they would cherish,
Both of them knew.
Something they didn’t want to perish,
As they would be stuck with the blue.
But moments were becoming memories,
As time took a flight.
Every glimpse seemed like centuries,
When not meeting each other seemed like a night.
Love and hate,
Joy and sorrow.
People thought we were on dates,
But the least we could care ‘bout what came tomorrow.
Things still did end,
As they were supposed to.
But she knew in her heart a string bend,
When she saw they were left with nothing but adieu.
Happy Anniversary Mumma Papa! 👨👩👧👦
There is so much I’ve learnt from you in these 21 years of my life, that it is difficult to put it to words. But that doesn’t mean its not worth a try. 😊
Papa, you’ve been my role model since my school used to make us fill those blue forms every year, asking me to write “Who’s your role model?” 😋
And the answer to this question still hasn’t changed.
There are a lot of memories we’ve shared together over these past years and there is still more to come. Each time I had faced something new, you helped me do the right thing.
But our relationship is deeper than just learning.
There is this one incident that really moved me. It was a usual Friday night, I told you all about my day and how I had my first Spanish learning class. I was all excited with the new words I had learnt. That’s when you went on to tell me about how you always wanted to learn a different language. I calmed down a bit after hearing this; and you go on telling how you can see that dream coming true through me and I couldn’t find the words to express how listening to what you said made me feel. I was happy and overwhelmed at the same time.
I think a little part me wants to become a doctor to see your eyes sparkle when you see your little girl changing your dream into reality. 😊
Mumma. I get my emotional side from you. You’ve shown me how it feels to be loved and cared for. I think parents try to teach their kids a lot of things. Belief is one thing that can be the toughest to teach. You know you haven’t succeeded until the child herself feels it’s okay to believe against all odds. Even with the fights and frequent crying spells we have, the most important thing you’ve taught me is how to believe. How to believe in myself and others, how not to let situations take the better of us. 😊
Writing all this doesn’t mean I’m no more going to be the little annoying making you both crazy kid who doesn’t listen to you all the time but that you’ll have to patiently wait for your little girl to come back to you and give you both a tight hug. 😋
30 long years and I can still see you both blush at each other during your cute moments. I can only wish and hope to find a special relation with someone like the one you both share.
I know I will always be loved and I will always love you both.
“Every day may not be good but there is always something good in every day.”
Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It is pretty difficult, right? We are living in a world where ‘forever’ comes with a time limit. All I can see around me is relationships having problems, people fighting, years of connection between people being broken in a matter of seconds. I am not trying to be a pessimist but this is the story of majority of people I know. Goods things happen. I won’t deny this fact. But maybe, lately I have seen a lot of things go wrong that’s why I have come to doubting the whole concept of ‘forever’. Maybe it is true that people come, play their roles in our life and go, that’s how the cycle of life works.
But. Beyond every wrong doing, every important thing in life which got messed up because of some reason or the other, beyond everything, I found him. Yes. He is one person for whom I can actually thank my stars, after all that we have gone through, the ups and downs, the fights and smiles, we couldn’t have been closer to each other. He is not my boyfriend. He is not my brother. He is not even my best friend. But he is always there. Somehow calling him a friend seems a little less but there is no one word that can describe this relationship. And when I actually think, I feel there is no need to give it a name. Some people just click and connect and it is there. Putting the feeling into words never seems to do justice to the bond we share.
Forever. When he says it, you know he means it. Every single letter coming out of his mouth makes you believe in it. That yes, when some people say ‘forever’, they actually mean that when we turn 99 years old we’ll be sitting together and smiling about the fact that he proved me wrong, that he stayed with me forever and is still here telling me “I told you so…”.
I don’t think that I have always been there for him. Because trust me I haven’t and I am not really proud of this fact. I screw up a lot when it comes to him. I do. That’s not how I usually am with people who care about me. But yeah, I won’t even flinch for second before saying that he has always been there for me, in sickness and in health. He has been there when I am all happy and crazy about something, making me feel even better for acting insane and he has even been there when I am all sad or unwell, cranky or unbearable, behaving like a total kid, going all indifferent in my worst of moods. But there hasn’t been a moment when he left my side.
People say you should do something so good and selfless for someone that nothing in the world could repay what they did for you. This very day I can say that he has done so much for me, forgiven me, that no matter what I do it will never be equal to what he has done for me.
So… Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It feels like heaven, like magic, like happiness all around. For some of you it would feel like hell being way more bearable than normal.
Having someone who stays feels good and safe, like home. Sweet home.
What do you want to be?
a) A friendless loser.
b) A person with tons of friends who secretly hate you.
In this world everyone is trying to fit in. Some of them are trying to be a part of the most popular crowd; some are trying to just make people like them. Some are struggling to be “cool” enough so that they get a chance to hang out with the elite crowd while some are still trying to figure out which group they belong to.
Trust me, fitting in could be a really stressful job. There would be so many events going around us of which we would do anything to be a part of. But things don’t really work out that way. Not everything that people wish for is granted in real life.
Where on one side of the world I see so many people struggle to be a part of something; be it anything. Here I wonder what if someday I actually fit in. What if in this whole process of being recognized by people around me I end up losing the person who I truly am? What if this whole thought consumes me so much that I would forget what I truly want from life?
I don’t think I am the kind of person who would want to totally fit in some place that might make me lose myself. I would obviously want to be ‘someone’ so that others recognize me. But not by being one of them or by losing myself or being a copy of what they are. Rather I would want to excel in my talent to the greatest heights so that I will be recognized by who I AM, not by how good I am at being someone else.
P.S. No one can play a better role of being you than you yourself.
I lie down on my bed every night before I sleep… take out my phone and look at your picture. I stare at that beautiful smile and keep wondering what went wrong? What went so wrong that things became difficult between us? That what happened to you? What happened that you became like this? And every single night I blame myself for all of it.
I close my eyes and remember every single moment I spent with you. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday when we used to pour our hearts into those simple words, but sometimes it feels another life time, when I look back at the times nothing could go wrong or no one could ever come between us.
Every night I sleep, I tell myself that I’ll be the girl who meant so much to you, the next morning I get up and all the next morning I get up. But the moment I talk to you, the coldness inside you feels so strong that my warm heart breaks in front of it.
I keep hoping that one day or someday you’ll come back. You’ll be the friend you always were. The one, who used to shower all his love and affection over this little girl, but that day, goes on distancing from me the moment I feel it’s almost here.
It feels so right to be with you, to have you around all the time, but at the same time it even feels so wrong when I place it in my reality. It’s like you are there and still seems like we are miles apart.
I feel that I have to compete with all your friends because they always seem to so better than me in any aspect you pick up. Things become even more difficult when I don’t even know where do I even stand in your life or do I even mean anything to you or my presence even makes the slightest difference in your life.
The worst question of all is the one that keeps killing me from inside, is that do I still have the power to make you smile…?
The happiest moment in a girl’s life is when she realizes her brother has a really cute friend. But I guess it was not the same for me. Unfortunately it was the saddest moment for me because I know even if I try to have a tiniest conversation with him, my brother would come to know and would tease me for the rest of my life. (It is not that he doesn’t do it now, but the intensity would increase.)
I have a really faint memory of the first time I saw him. All I can recall is a skinny guy in my school corridor hanging out with his friends. He had this charm around him. Or maybe it was me who felt something weird when he was around. It was difficult to take my eyes off him. He was great in studies as well as sports. But then his last two years of school passed away very fast. He did come to my place quite a few times (Courtesy: My brother). And I used to look at him like my brother’s friend (which implies even he was a brother to me).
But now suddenly he looks like this really good looking, cute and funny guy (who is good with pets) who any girl could have a crush on. I didn’t realize this before my brother actually started teasing me with him. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, my face used to turn red, my small smile would never want to leave and my heart would beat faster and faster remembering his shirt less photograph. 😛
It took a lot of courage to start a conversation with him in the first place and then staying up the whole night thinking about the most appropriate reply to send him so that I don’t screw up the conversation. Pressing the send button and throwing away the phone because I was too scared to see his reply. 😛
It is so weird, how can the most random person put a smile on your face even without trying. I am here smiling like a total idiot when he crosses my mind and he, out there is busy with his awesome life. Even when my life seems to be in a total mess right now, but thinking about my crush (with whom I can never ever imagine being friends with because he just seems so out of my league) can make all the pain go away for those few seconds.
(He is that college boy who makes me feel like a high school girl. 🙂 )
Sometimes it is better to have a brother than a hero…
I am not going to see my brother for another two months from now. It is not the first time he has gone. He has been in college from the past two years now and has being coming on and off and spending time with family.
But I don’t know why this time seems so different. Everything around me seems so empty. I miss his presence. The computer table seems clean, there aren’t wires all over my room and the music is not on loud. I no more see the jeans lying on my bed, knowing the moment I will pick it up something or the other is bound to fall from it. The dining table seems so quite while I am sitting there. No more GK questions to be bombarded on me while having my meals. No more fighting to sit beside dad on the dining table. No more sitting beside him and watching ‘Lie to Me’ or waiting for his Top Gear episode to get over so that I could be able to use the computer.
Without his sarcastic comments all the conversations seem so dull. In his defense all he has to say that how can he resist himself while we leave a sentence open in front of him. (I call him the God of Sarcasm 😛 )
It is not that he used to stay at home all the time. Even if he did, he would spend half of the time sleeping as he would be dead tired by playing FIFA all night with his friends. During the day when he used to go out, it would seem as if I was roaming around with him. Like having breakfast in Flurys, lunch in Bar-B-Q, snacks in Sharma and dinner at Jai Hind Dhaba.
Now he has gone back to college and I am continuously listening to ‘Impossible’ by James Arthur as he used to keep listening to it again and again and never got tired of it, had some fascination for this song. Sitting in front of the computer and laughing like an idiot while listening to ‘Love Song for No One’ by John Mayer. 🙂
This moment reminds me of a poem I had studied in school which explained how a bird is a live wire for a tree and when it leaves how everything in the tree becomes silent. People say daughters are the life of a family but my brother is the live wire of our house and it feels so lifeless when now he is not around.
I know he has only gone for two months but this time I just miss him so much. Come back soon.. 😥
It hurts. It hurts every single day. How can someone I love make me feel so small, so little that I feel worthless? How can a person drive a sword through my heart and expect me to be all happy about it? How can someone make me feel so terrible that I’m being forced to think that I am the worst person living among millions of other human beings in this world? How can you treat me like shit and at the same time expect me to love you back? How can you just put all the blame on me and not even expect me to say a word in my defense? How can you compare my feelings to that of someone else’s and expect me not to feel insulted? How can you say that I don’t feel the same way I used to do? Are you the one going through the pain? Are you the one staying up all night crying to yourself and waking up the other morning as if nothing happened? Are you the one putting a fake smile on your face every day you step out of your house? Are you??
Judging me in every little thing as if I have a hidden agenda just because I feel for you? How can you make me feel so shallow, so miserable? How??
Am I actually so small? So unimportant that I deserve to be treated like this? Have I not gone through enough struggles in my life that you HAVE to make my life worse for me every single day… Or every single second I breathe on this earth? Haven’t I done any good deeds in my life that could help me ask God to reduce my suffering? Have I behaved so badly with people that it’s now my time to pay back?
After everything I have done, every time I stood by you in your troubles, accepted the facts of life with you, does it actually come down to this? Does it actually come down to NOTHING? Every time I cared, every time I made an effort to improve our friendship, no matter how difficult things were getting between us, I THOUGHT it still meant something to you and you still end up doubting me on every road of our friendship.
But ‘reality’ just blew on face. I was wrong. I was wrong all the way long. I don’t mean anything to you. I’m equivalent to not being there in your life only. You are so ignorant when it comes to me that I feel like I am invisible not just to you, but to all the people around me. I feel so messed up that I try to suppress EVERY single emotion I feel because you just sunk this thought in me so deep that the “more you care, the weaker you are”. And tell me who wants to be weak in this world, in this world with people like you?
The more power I give you to hurt me, the more badly you do it.
I had always put OUR friendship over MY feelings. But it is so sad that you NEVER understood this and kept bringing my feelings between us. You no more understand me or maybe you never did and it was just an illusion that I had created in my life.
It has been a very very long time since you cared about me, only I couldn’t see it.
As the clouds slowly take over the sky, the memories of school, in my mind flash by. Looking at the rain falling from the distant sky, I sit there recalling all the good times that I had spent in my life. 🙂
It was his first day of school when I saw those innocent eyes. Those tiny little feet that made their way through the crowd into the huge school. Remembering the time when I used to give my bag to my mother and would carry his bag with me, so that he did not have to take the load. Going back together in the same carpool was all the memory I had of him for a few years. Whenever I used to pass by the blue gate at the entrance of his house’s lane, would always remind me of the time we used to drop him home after school.
And soon time passed by, he grew in his world and I in my. I had forgotten that we both were in the same school also; before I again saw him in the volley ball court with those same innocent eyes he has of his mother. 😛
My school was getting over; there were hundreds of people I would never see in my life again. So I decided to thank everyone, whom I had known since I entered school, for being there in my life and having a small, but important role in it. A list of people was made so that I could make sure I didn’t miss anyone.
Finally Mayank’s name came. I typed the whole thank you part and back spaced it… It had been ages since I had my last conversation with him. I was obviously not sure that should I send it or not. Finally with a lot of courage I retyped the whole thing and pressed the enter button. And thought for a second “God only knows what is going to happen next…” And to my surprise his reply was “Yes! We’ll stay in touch for sure.” It felt like warmth in that winter season. Annddd… That is how we started talking once again…
He is one of the best people I have come across in my life. The most decent guy I could ever meet till date. Trusting him is so easy that at times it feels as if he is too good to be true. But, that no way stops me from sharing my silliest thoughts with him. It is one of the easiest things to have a conversation with him. He is that small kid who still loves watching Tom and Jerry but on the other hand, like all boys is a car freak. When he feels cold in winter, he feels cold and doesn’t think even for a second before admitting it. I can have my five minute depressed conversation with him and again get back to laughing at the most random thing. There is this charm he has with people which allows him to get away with everything he does. He is one person who surely knows how to be in the good books of his friends and other people around him. 🙂
Those long walks, the stupid conversations and the silly volley ball shots, I am going to miss everything. Calling him monkey and posting all those random photos on his wall, knowing he gets annoyed by them. I know it is not the end and we’ll stay in touch. But still… I am going to miss him more than I thought.
It is strange how suddenly we have come to know each other so well and I hope things continue to be as good as they are now between us. I hope he stays in my life so that I don’t get a chance to miss him only.
(A little courage helped me get my friend back.)
Love you hamesha and forever Monkey :*
I had finally decided to move on. Thought about all the reason why I was still holding on. Was it worth waiting for him for so long? No. It was time to live my life my way, to finally be happy, happy with someone else. Who loves me more than I deserve. So I took a life changing decision. For once everything seemed to fall in place. Everything was going smooth. I was actually happy for a while. Life did seem lively.
But I guess I had to ruin things in my life, like always. I had to hurt other people and create a mess out of everything. I again pushed away the person who loved me. To avoid him getting hurt in the future I made him go through the pain now. It was something that he didn’t deserve.
But I didn’t want to hurt him. I really like him. But I can’t cheat on him by being there and not loving him as much as he deserves. I can’t. I don’t want to end up hurting him when things became more serious. So I thought it is better late than never. I couldn’t let my uncertainty of feelings hinder his life.
I am not capable of loving or being loved. I am a really bad person. Yet again I broke another heart. I have been doing this for a while now. I have been hurting people for so long. Just because I am hurt doesn’t give me the right to hurt others. I should stay away from people. I don’t deserve being in a good company because I will always end up doing the wrong thing, taking the wrong decision. I have become a bad omen for people who love me. Lost is the girl who was once good. Now I have turned into a devil.
So from today onwards I will not talk to any new person because no one in this world deserves being hurt. It will be better if I stay away as I am more of a bad luck than a good person. I will be happy with what I have and concentrate just on my studies.
‘Cause I couldn’t have felt worse than I feel today… Nor could I have ever done anything bad than what I have done to people in the past one whole year.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
― John Lennon
I love surprises and Life has never failed to surprise me at any moment, be it in a good way or a bad way. I have learnt that nothing is permanent in our lives; happiness, sadness, friends, family, money or even things. Everyone has a small role to play, once they are done with their task they leave us and go. And it is bound for us to keep moving on with our life or else we will be left behind. And there will be a moment when it will be difficult for us to find our self. So it is better to start accepting things as they come or make such an effort so that we are able to change the things in our life.
I partly accept things as they come to me and partly take a risk to do things my way. The second half of my attitude has made me make big blunders in my life, but the first half has at times given me more than I deserve. Or maybe it is just that I value or appreciate the happiness I get a little more than others do, as I know how terrible it feels to go through the bad phase.
Last night I was lying on my bed and recalling all the events that happened during the day. Suddenly a thought passed by and I realized no matter how much my life is fucked up, it does not take my share of happiness from me.
May 3, 2013 was one of the longest days of my life that I actually enjoyed. Getting up at 5.30 in the morning and waking AB up. Making sure he comes to teach me. Lying down on the bed half asleep and asking myself ‘Am I dreaming or is he actually going to turn up?’ After 15 minutes my phone starts to vibrate and I somehow managed to look at the name flash and answered the call. 15 minutes and he would be there at my door step. I got up from my bed, washed my face, checked my call log once again to assure myself that I was not dreaming and suddenly realized that he was actually coming. He was there helping me with the study material for a few hours and soon we bid each other good bye by telling it was a pleasure meeting. He went back to his life and so did I. After struggling from my law and math tuition I headed back home, had lunch and rushed to my school for some paper work. Aaaaaannnddd surprise, surprise! He was also there. He was the last person I was expecting to crash into. (But.. Didn’t I tell you, I love surprises 🙂 )
We spoke to each other as if there was this unknown trust between us which was so strong that we didn’t have to think twice before telling something. He walked me back to my house and the whole time I was looking at him and wondering is he the same person I used to see in school? The same one whom I made sure I was not near him or his group. And now the same person looked so different to me. He was mischievous and funny but yet so simple and comforting. Everything felt so light and so good. The day was my escape from reality. I felt free, maybe just for a few hours, but I could feel freedom all around me. Trust me at that point nothing could have felt better.
Friends help us make things so simple for us no matter how complicated the solution might be. But at least we know there is a solution and if not they do help us to take a break.
I have come to another conclusion that we should not judge people on how they look or with whom they hang out or spend time, it totally depends on who they are from within and how good they make us feel. And it feels good to feel the lightness of life. The feeling of having things in life without strings being attached to them, away from darkness and the gloomy world.
I am not sad because the day passed by knowing it will not come back to me soon, but I am smiling because I lived every moment of that day.
Keep Smiling 🙂
All this while I have tried to keep myself up, tried to keep things together, done my best so that the people I love are happy. My life is going through a very rough phase from the past so many months. In the starting I thought it is just a matter of time that soon everything will fall into place. Days passed by, I kept my calm, convinced myself to fight every battle that I’m facing in my life by motivating myself every time I had to face a problem. I knew I was strong enough to get through anything that God has in store for me or else I wouldn’t be facing it in the first place. I felt the pain rush through my body every second, every minute of day. Still I didn’t lose hope. I couldn’t. I told myself.. It’s “ME” – The optimistic one. If I act as an integral support in other people’s lives I can obviously support my own self. I kept saying this to myself every day I got up from sleep, so that I could get through another eighteen long hours of my day. I never let the fire of courage lose its flame. With every sunny morning I would let the ray of hope pass through me, to give light to my life. Some days used to pass by in thoughts. I used to ask myself that how much power this HOPE actually has that till now it didn’t let me down, that till now it hasn’t made me give up on the people who hurt me the most.
But.. Now I am tired. Tired of convincing myself that happiness is on its way and will soon come in my life. All the motivating seem false to me. All I feel like doing is giving up on me, on everyone around me. No matter how much people tell me the right thing, which should be done, doesn’t get into my head. It enters through one year and immediately exits through the other one.
I know I have made mistakes in my life, major mistakes. I am paying for them; I have always paid my part. Never have I ever tried to escape from it. But now, all I ask for is mercy. I am so vulnerable right now that I can break at any moment. Nothing in the world comforts me. I know I have to pay for my sins but all I am asking for is a little break so that I can regain my courage and get back to taking life as it comes, facing all the things I deserve to face in my life. Just a small break would be enough, enough to find the optimistic me and get myself back to smiling even after all the troubled phase.
Is it so difficult to stand by me? Even after everything I did for you or am still doing for you? Is it actually so difficult to be a little easy on me when I am in my transition period? My school just got over, I gave my boards and from the third day I had my CPT tuitions started. The happiness of my boards getting over didn’t even fade away that I had to get back to studying. I even over looked the part where you didn’t even bother asking me how my exams went. When all my friends did, people I didn’t expect, even they asked me how they were and you didn’t even have the time to send me a message.
Career problems have taken over my life. Things are becoming difficult for me day by day and my attempt in making everything normal fails every time I try to convince myself that I will find a way out through these problems. It is not that I am not capable of doing what is expected for me. It is just that I am not sure is it actually what I want to do.
But even after all the chaos and confusion in my life, I try to be normal when it comes to talking to you. I try my best to send you a good morning wish no matter how late I might have slept last night. I even try to understand that you are facing a lot of changes right now; things are going pretty bad in your life too. But the point is I understand or at least I try my best to understand and you don’t even try to understand me.
You know it is you who has the power to make me smile when I have tears rolling down my eyes; it is you who has the key to my heart. You have always known the perfect thing to tell me so that my happiness regains its flow in my body. But what has happened to you now? Why can’t I see you beside me?
Why don’t you understand I can only be weak in front of you and no one else? It is way easier to open my heart in front of you and tell everything that I feel instead of explaining it to someone else. Why don’t you understand? Do I make it so difficult for you to stand by my side and support me? I am not even asking you to save me. All I ask for is your presence in my life, your voice ring through my ears once a day so that I can calm myself down from whatever that is happening in my life.
I know you need to talk to many other people, you need to call them, I even told you I will make an initiative to call you so that we can talk. Why don’t you understand I can no more see you? I can no more see that smile from a distant and feel safe. I can’t make all the effort to keep this friendship going on. I need you to at least give me one reason to stand by you and I will give you all I have. Just one reason will be more than enough for me. Is it so difficult to do that also?
The saddest part is you know everything. You know how I feel and you even know how to make me feel better. But you don’t do anything to comfort me. Even if you do, at times it is too late. Till that time I might have already gone through a lot. Maybe you understand everything. But tell me, why understand me so well when you are going to pretend that you know nothing.
Be there for me now. Make me feel your presence in my life now. I need you now.
Is it actually so difficult?
Life is as complicated as we want to make it. Truly said by someone that it is not the problem in our life which is the problem; it is our attitude towards the problem which decides the intensity of it. People can only hurt you till the time you love them. You win, when you stop caring. It is as simple as that. But I know it is not that easy to implement it in our lives. But, yes if we really want to solve a problem in our life and get over it, no matter how much time it takes or no matter how much pain we have to bear. There will come a day when we actually find a ray of light in our dark life. Ummm… Not even a ray of light, there will surely come a day when you come out in the sunshine and play under the infinite sky.
Then you will suddenly start hoping for the moment to stay forever and that it never ends. But from my personal experience I suggest, it will be better if you don’t hope anything like this because as sad moments don’t stay forever, even happy times don’t. But this thought should no way stop you from enjoying the moment to its fullest. It is better to value what you have at the right time rather than regret it being what you had in your life.
Till yesterday it seemed like forever the last time I actually laughed my heart out. But today life has something better in store for me. Not that I haven’t suffered much or I am still not suffering. It is just that the wonderful moments I spend with my friends compensate for all the pain I have to go through. It feels heavenly when they do everything to make me smile. Even I do my part by being a good listener, a support system. But at times it feels as if they give me a little extra happiness than what I deserve, which in turn makes me feel more special. Small gestures make so much of a difference in my life. That smile which I give to comfort them, the hug that I wish could never end. That drive that shows me a new dimension of the city I live in. Playing video games after ages and realizing how much I missed it.
It is true, I am blessed by wonderful friends in my life which help me find a new way to happiness no matter how twisted the road might seem. It is a little difficult to write down when I feel happy and I still can’t figure out why. But by no chance it lessens the intensity of my happiness. Maybe I just want that feeling to stay within me so that its value or worth doesn’t diminish in my heart.
I am happy and it obviously feels good. I don’t know for how long it will last. But I will enjoy it, treasure every second because life is very uncertain. What I have today might not be with me tomorrow. The reason can be anything. Maybe the role of that person in my life would soon end and I would have to move on. But I don’t want to end up regretting anything. I have the opportunity to be happy now, to smile like I have never been hurt and I will live it to the fullest. Because I know what I have gone through and it is now my time, it is time for me to be happy, to be selfish and only care about people who love me with all they have. All I want them is to realize everyday they get up in the morning is that I love them today, I will love them tomorrow. This is all I have and this is the most I can give and they deserve every bit of it because it was them who were awake with me on all those dark nights when I used to stay up just to cry my heart out. So now when I am happy not only because I want to be but because they were always there to motivate me to smile even when my life had a rainy phase. It is time for me to do my bit to make sure even they smile.
I feel good. And it feels better when I am a reason behind someone else’s smile.
I always wanted someone to get down on his knees, holding a rose in his hand and confessing his feeling for me. Him being the first one to start my day and the last one I end it with. A person, who would fall for my smile over and over again no matter how many times he sees it. Making me feel like I am the most special person in his life, spending ample time with me so that I don’t feel like an unwanted person in his life. Someone who would trust me, respect me and never forget to show how much he loves me rather than telling me how much he does, I always wanted a fairy tale type Prince in my life who would make me feel like a princess. Who would actually prove the fact of “Happily Ever After” in my life and make me come alive.
Then comes a moment when I realized, think before you wish for something, it might just happen. The wish of my life came true. I guess I found someone who could give me what I wanted for so long. I would no more had to feel lonely; no more nights would pass by crying me to sleep. I could actually see the moments or things I had always wanted in my life actually find a way to reach me.
I always wanted more fairy tale moments or a beautiful, magical life. But it is not something I NEED in my life. I feel complete without being emotionally involved with someone. I feel content even when I don’t have a lover in my life. I am happy with whatever I have in life. My family, stud best friends 😛 and my wonderful close friends. There were times when I felt that there was a vacuum in my life, I used to feel empty, it used to feel as if I was missing something in life. But it is not true. I have been blessed by everything I need in my life.
Plus Economics and Business Studies have taught me to satisfy my needs first and then go for the things I want. The feeling I got when I felt content from within was out of the world. It was so calming. I felt complete even with all the flaws around me, within me.
Maybe it is not necessary to have a boy friend in life. Sometimes we are complete in life without a few things being in it. And the fact that I love someone else.. Ummm.. my love for him is Pure. All I want him is to be there in my life. Give me a part of him. I guess that is all I need. He makes me believe in unconditional love. Though I do expect a few things from him, which is but natural as it is human nature to expect. But he makes me happy even with the smallest gesture of care. And I realized this is all I need and want in my life.
I have learnt how not to classify love, not to love people by the relationship tag. Love should be pure. If I love someone means I love that person. I can’t justify myself by how much I love him/her. Love doesn’t have boundaries, it is limitless, infinite.
At times we should get what we had always wanted in order to realize that we already have what we need. 🙂
There are so many people around me. So many people I have know. Some by face, some by voice, some through messages, through small conversations and some very closely. All these people were strangers at one point of time. Neither did they know me nor did I. It started with a hi! or hey! and followed by many questions.
What is your name? Which class are you in? How old are you? When is your birthday?
And there was this one question that I never had an answer for, that was What kind of person are you? Your likes and dislikes..(not materialistic ones)
I have known myself for a long time.. 17 long years.. Lets see till now how much have I actually figured out myself. This post is about ME. You might just end up knowing me a little bit after you have completed reading this. Okay.. I’ll just start.. Uhmm.. Lets just avoid the name and introduction part..
I am a very simple and down to earth person. I try to find happiness in small things, small gestures. Even if someone tries to make the tiniest attempt to make me happy, it makes my day. The way I smile so easily, I get hurt also very fast. Even if someone tells me something very small, which is not that bad according to them, but it pinches me a lot.
I am someone who can’t see the bad in others, no matter what they do, if they have been good to me once means deep inside them there is an angel and I try to bring it out of them. My principal always used to tell me “Hate the sin, not the sinner” and I never used to believe in it. But knowing that I am human, I made mistakes in my life, people around me have forgiven me and still stick to me. That now this thought has sunk in me so deeply that at times it becomes a problem for me.
I get easily attached with people. Come on, people have lack of love in their lives, they tend to go where they find a little bit of love, a little bit of care. The more they let me enter, the more get attached.
I can be very difficult at times. VERY. I am short tempered. I get irritated very fast but I cool down also at the same speed. I might be very weird or very good or very bad in the starting few days or months. It might be very difficult to handle me. But trust me it is worth it. Because once you have handled me at my worst all that I can give you is my best. But you have to stick to me, tolerate me. And once we are through this phase, its all happiness. Then you can be any way you want to be and I’ll always be there. (But this doesn’t mean after a few months you behave like a jerk 😛 )
I am a total kid at times. I don’t pretend to be innocent. At times I really am like that and I barely understand what is going around. 😛 But on the other hand I can really be a support in someone’s life. Be there in their thick and thin. Understand them. Act like a matured person. 🙂 I am the weakest person when it comes to handling myself but can the strongest one when it comes to handling someone else.
I take decisions, make mistakes, enjoy ever bit of life, crib about little things. I care. I feel. I get hurt. But still I smile. I get through all kinds of time. I can be rude. I can be angry. I can taunt. But I can’t stop loving. I can pretend to, not care. But trust me it kills me from inside. Many people have come in my life, many have gone, some have stayed. But never in my life have I ever regretted a decision that I took because at that time it was the thing which was my source of happiness. So why regret it?
I am who I am, with all my flaws and imperfections. Accept me this way. I might change for the good, as change is inevitable. But at the end of the day it’s me. And no one can play a better role of being me than me. 😛 🙂
That’s all for now. This is a bit of ME. 🙂 (.. to be continued.. )