Category Archives: Memories

The Wait. 

I stay up all night

Awaiting for that one text.

Knowing you are missing me

Even when you’re in that mess.

 

The longings never seem to end

What can I do lying here?

Trying to remember your pretty face

And the way it bought my heart to dance.

 

Waiting for that one ‘Hi’, that one ‘hello’

Hoping my screen would light up.

You know my face would surely do

Even brighter than the sun does.

 

You think it’s because I’m alone

But trust me I’ve been there.

Standing between the crowds

Wishing I could hold you and apparate.

 

My mind knows the wait would soon end

But the heart cannot be fooled.

It makes every second last longer

Making the crave to meet you day by day stronger.

 

I know I want to hug you

We know it won’t happen.

But the eyes will be exchanging looks

Keeping us closer till they can.

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Feels.

You seem distant,
But not gone.
To endless conversations at night,
Which used to last till dawn.
The longing to hear your voice,
Comes to my mind now and then.
Such posts remind me of you,
Asking me our next meeting is when.
The answer to this question,
Is as lost as it can be.
But the heart hopes for sure,
That the time is not too far to see.

(Some relations are beyond anyone’s understanding.)
♥️

Kiss In The Rain.

His favorite memory with me,
That’s what I asked.
All he could think was about,
The first kiss we had when it rained.

The moment I read this,
The corner of my lips glimpsed a smile.
My heart danced a little,
Even when I read that text after a while.

Took me back to that very day,
Reliving the memory again.
In that moment,
I couldn’t feel any pain.

I was busy in telling him,
That it better not stop raining.
He had a cold of his own,
Couldn’t think straight about what he was wishing.

In the car,
We both were.
Stuck in traffic,
Surrounded by cars here.

He told to come out of the car,
I was taken aback in that moment.
Opened the door and came out,
For not once cared about the government.

We took our steps,
Stood in front of the car.
In the middle of the road,
There we both were.

He grabbed my waist,
And didn’t wait another second.
Kissed my lips,
And made my knees almost bend.

We came back inside,
With racing hearts.
The looks of people around us,
Seemed like shooting darts.

Everything happened so quick,
It took me all by a start.
Finally I had time to think,
About a new firsts we could add to our cart.

This moment would stay forever,
In the ocean of memories.
He made it so special,
I’ll carry it within me for centuries.

❤️

Him.

Sitting beside the window,
Gazing at the night sky.
All I can think about him,
And do is cry.

The laughter in his voice,
The smoothness of his skin.
Longingness to meet him,
Never seems to end.

He’s lying there on his bed,
Thinking about everything but me.
Here I’m missing him so much,
The old photos are the only thing I can see.

He seems happy in his life,
With friends and family around.
Did I not make a difference,
When I was there all along?

Doesn’t he miss my smell,
My smile, my voice?
The excitement around him,
The way I miss his smile?

Little can I understand,
When I’m drowned in all this emotion.
Wish he was here to help,
To comfort me from all this commotion.

Nothing seems enough,
Because he is not here.
All I want is to jump to the place,
Where he is home there.

There is not much that I want,
Just one sign of care.
Or that one sign,
That I mattered.

Is it too much to ask,
From my love?
But what can I say,
When I myself am in discomfort.

Happiness is long due,
It is time for it to come.
Hope is the only string I’ve held,
That is keeping me in sense.

Happy Birthday Harvey!

Na Kuch Poocha, Na Kuch Manga

Tune Dil Se Diya Jo Diya

Na Kuch Bola, Na Kuch Tola

Muskura Ke Diya Jo Diya

Tu Hi Dhoop, Tu Hi Chau

Tu Hi Apna Paraya

Aur Kuch Na Janu, Bas Itna Hi Janu

Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai, Yaara Mein Kya Karun

You take care of me like a little baby, you tease me like a little sister and you have deep conversations with me like a friend. 🙂

I still don’t know what I mean to you. But I hope I always have a special place in your heart no matter how many people come in or go out of your life. The cute annoying little constant of your big adventurous life. 😛

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It’s your birthday. 25th of April. The day is finally here. I know you don’t get much excited for birthdays but I hope this time I could make one exception. From talking to your friends to completing your gift, all I wanted to be right next to you on this day. Irritating you, annoying you, jumping around the house wishing you, eating your head up, give you squirmy hugs and just not letting you. Making you sing, dancing like crazy. Me being high on you and you being high on alcohol. Going for a long drive with beautiful music in the car. Walking down the beach, enjoying the sound of the waves and talking about anything and everything.

But, reality had to kick in and take this all away. Manipal and Kolkata, miles away, the distance keeping us apart. Everyone is getting to meet you and here I am getting super jealous of it. Well, making me jealous is probably the easiest thing for you anyway. But when the day ends and all are gone, go to your window, grab a smoke and dial Donna on your phone. This silly girl will be waiting to hear about all your day.

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You better have a kickass day and enjoy for the both of us. Because it’s your day. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to celebrate.

So many emotions being felt, so many thoughts running around me head, that it is next to impossible to write down anything properly. But, all I can think of is you. Just smiling and enjoying every bit of today. I don’t want to say how much you’ve done for me or what I have done for you or anything much related to that, all I know is we have a different chemistry. Something that no one, trust me, no one in this world can understand leaving the two of us. And that is more than enough.

Having you beside me. Happy days. Sad days. All days.

Your Bachcha to Your Donna,

Forever.

Iloveyou ❤

He Was Others Whiskey Lover But My Coffee Person

When I looked in the mirror,

That’s when he noticed.

The smile of mine was queerer,

But a smirk on his face floated.

 

Calling him a junkie was just a start,

As the prank call before it was also a part.

I could say anything but not depart,

But deep down I knew he was smart.

 

The clock would strike midnight,

And this Cinderella would hear from him.

Conversations lasting till sunrise,

The stories seemed to never end.

 

The feelings grew stronger,

Day by day.

But she knew it wouldn’t last longer,

As forever was not theirs to stay.

None the less time spent well,

She would cherish it till the end.

Reminded by the coffee smell,

The memories she knew would be difficult to send.

 

Dark went every little things,

Once he walked away.

All she needed was her wings,

For the memories to slowly sway.

 

But then he came back being Harvey,

To the Donna she was now.

Still not being different from Bob Marley,

But everything was different she didn’t know how.

 

Ups and downs,

Were the new favourites.

The music sounds,

Of their voice were sweeter than chocolates.

 

Times they would cherish,

Both of them knew.

Something they didn’t want to perish,

As they would be stuck with the blue.

 

But moments were becoming memories,

As time took a flight.

Every glimpse seemed like centuries,

When not meeting each other seemed like a night.

 

Love and hate,

Joy and sorrow.

People thought we were on dates,

But the least we could care ‘bout what came tomorrow.

 

Things still did end,

As they were supposed to.

But she knew in her heart a string bend,

When she saw they were left with nothing but adieu.

 

30 Years of Togetherness

Happy Anniversary Mumma Papa! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

 

There is so much I’ve learnt from you in these 21 years of my life, that it is difficult to put it to words. But that doesn’t mean its not worth a try. 😊

 

Papa, you’ve been my role model since my school used to make us fill those blue forms every year, asking me to write “Who’s your role model?” 😋

And the answer to this question still hasn’t changed.

There are a lot of memories we’ve shared together over these past years and there is still more to come. Each time I had faced something new, you helped me do the right thing.

But our relationship is deeper than just learning.

There is this one incident that really moved me. It was a usual Friday night, I told you all about my day and how I had my first Spanish learning class. I was all excited with the new words I had learnt. That’s when you went on to tell me about how you always wanted to learn a different language. I calmed down a bit after hearing this; and you go on telling how you can see that dream coming true through me and I couldn’t find the words to express how listening to what you said made me feel. I was happy and overwhelmed at the same time.

I think a little part me wants to become a doctor to see your eyes sparkle when you see your little girl changing your dream into reality. 😊

 

Mumma. I get my emotional side from you. You’ve shown me how it feels to be loved and cared for. I think parents try to teach their kids a lot of things. Belief is one thing that can be the toughest to teach. You know you haven’t succeeded until the child herself feels it’s okay to believe against all odds. Even with the fights and frequent crying spells we have, the most important thing you’ve taught me is how to believe. How to believe in myself and others, how not to let situations take the better of us. 😊

 

Writing all this doesn’t mean I’m no more going to be the little annoying making you both crazy kid who doesn’t listen to you all the time but that you’ll have to patiently wait for your little girl to come back to you and give you both a tight hug. 😋

 

30 long years and I can still see you both blush at each other during your cute moments. I can only wish and hope to find a special relation with someone like the one you both share.

I know I will always be loved and I will always love you both.

Forever Is Where We Start From.

“Every day may not be good but there is always something good in every day.”

Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It is pretty difficult, right? We are living in a world where ‘forever’ comes with a time limit. All I can see around me is relationships having problems, people fighting, years of connection between people being broken in a matter of seconds. I am not trying to be a pessimist but this is the story of majority of people I know. Goods things happen. I won’t deny this fact. But maybe, lately I have seen a lot of things go wrong that’s why I have come to doubting the whole concept of ‘forever’. Maybe it is true that people come, play their roles in our life and go, that’s how the cycle of life works.

But. Beyond every wrong doing, every important thing in life which got messed up because of some reason or the other, beyond everything, I found him. Yes. He is one person for whom I can actually thank my stars, after all that we have gone through, the ups and downs, the fights and smiles, we couldn’t have been closer to each other. He is not my boyfriend. He is not my brother. He is not even my best friend. But he is always there. Somehow calling him a friend seems a little less but there is no one word that can describe this relationship. And when I actually think, I feel there is no need to give it a name. Some people just click and connect and it is there. Putting the feeling into words never seems to do justice to the bond we share.

Forever. When he says it, you know he means it. Every single letter coming out of his mouth makes you believe in it. That yes, when some people say ‘forever’, they actually mean that when we turn 99 years old we’ll be sitting together and smiling about the fact that he proved me wrong, that he stayed with me forever and is still here telling me “I told you so…”.

I don’t think that I have always been there for him. Because trust me I haven’t and I am not really proud of this fact. I screw up a lot when it comes to him. I do. That’s not how I usually am with people who care about me. But yeah, I won’t even flinch for second before saying that he has always been there for me, in sickness and in health. He has been there when I am all happy and crazy about something, making me feel even better for acting insane and he has even been there when I am all sad or unwell, cranky or unbearable, behaving like a total kid, going all indifferent in my worst of moods. But there hasn’t been a moment when he left my side.

People say you should do something so good and selfless for someone that nothing in the world could repay what they did for you. This very day I can say that he has done so much for me, forgiven me, that no matter what I do it will never be equal to what he has done for me.

So…  Can you imagine finding someone who stays? It feels like heaven, like magic, like happiness all around. For some of you it would feel like hell being way more bearable than normal.

Having someone who stays feels good and safe, like home. Sweet home.

🙂

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Some Dark Nights Never End

I lie down on my bed every night before I sleep… take out my phone and look at your picture. I stare at that beautiful smile and keep wondering what went wrong? What went so wrong that things became difficult between us? That what happened to you? What happened that you became like this? And every single night I blame myself for all of it.

I close my eyes and remember every single moment I spent with you. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday when we used to pour our hearts into those simple words, but sometimes it feels another life time, when I look back at the times nothing could go wrong or no one could ever come between us.

Every night I sleep, I tell myself that I’ll be the girl who meant so much to you, the next morning I get up and all the next morning I get up. But the moment I talk to you, the coldness inside you feels so strong that my warm heart breaks in front of it.

I keep hoping that one day or someday you’ll come back. You’ll be the friend you always were. The one, who used to shower all his love and affection over this little girl, but that day, goes on distancing from me the moment I feel it’s almost here.

It feels so right to be with you, to have you around all the time, but at the same time it even feels so wrong when I place it in my reality. It’s like you are there and still seems like we are miles apart.

I feel that I have to compete with all your friends because they always seem to so better than me in any aspect you pick up. Things become even more difficult when I don’t even know where do I even stand in your life or do I even mean anything to you or my presence even makes the slightest difference in your life.

The worst question of all is the one that keeps killing me from inside, is that do I still have the power to make you smile…?

Kolkata You Sexy!

Morning 5.15 long drive 🙂

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Life’s Getting Weirder Everyday

The happiest moment in a girl’s life is when she realizes her brother has a really cute friend. But I guess it was not the same for me. Unfortunately it was the saddest moment for me because I know even if I try to have a tiniest conversation with him, my brother would come to know and would tease me for the rest of my life. (It is not that he doesn’t do it now, but the intensity would increase.)

I have a really faint memory of the first time I saw him. All I can recall is a skinny guy in my school corridor hanging out with his friends. He had this charm around him. Or maybe it was me who felt something weird when he was around.  It was difficult to take my eyes off him. He was great in studies as well as sports. But then his last two years of school passed away very fast. He did come to my place quite a few times (Courtesy: My brother). And I used to look at him like my brother’s friend (which implies even he was a brother to me).

But now suddenly he looks like this really good looking, cute and funny guy (who is good with pets) who any girl could have a crush on. I didn’t realize this before my brother actually started teasing me with him. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach, my face used to turn red, my small smile would never want to leave and my heart would beat faster and faster remembering his shirt less photograph. 😛

It took a lot of courage to start a conversation with him in the first place and then staying up the whole night thinking about the most appropriate reply to send him so that I don’t screw up the conversation. Pressing the send button and throwing away the phone because I was too scared to see his reply. 😛

It is so weird, how can the most random person put a smile on your face even without trying. I am here smiling like a total idiot when he crosses my mind and he, out there is busy with his awesome life. Even when my life seems to be in a total mess right now, but thinking about my crush (with whom I can never ever imagine being friends with because he just seems so out of my league) can make all the pain go away for those few seconds.

(He is that college boy who makes me feel like a high school girl. 🙂 )

My Brother. My Hero.

Sometimes it is better to have a brother than a hero…

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I am not going to see my brother for another two months from now. It is not the first time he has gone. He has been in college from the past two years now and has being coming on and off and spending time with family.

But I don’t know why this time seems so different. Everything around me seems so empty. I miss his presence. The computer table seems clean, there aren’t wires all over my room and the music is not on loud. I no more see the jeans lying on my bed, knowing the moment I will pick it up something or the other is bound to fall from it. The dining table seems so quite while I am sitting there. No more GK questions to be bombarded on me while having my meals. No more fighting to sit beside dad on the dining table. No more sitting beside him and watching ‘Lie to Me’ or waiting for his Top Gear episode to get over so that I could be able to use the computer.

Without his sarcastic comments all the conversations seem so dull. In his defense all he has to say that how can he resist himself while we leave a sentence open in front of him. (I call him the God of Sarcasm 😛 )

It is not that he used to stay at home all the time. Even if he did, he would spend half of the time sleeping as he would be dead tired by playing FIFA all night with his friends. During the day when he used to go out, it would seem as if I was roaming around with him. Like having breakfast in Flurys, lunch in Bar-B-Q, snacks in Sharma and dinner at Jai Hind Dhaba.

Now he has gone back to college and I am continuously listening to ‘Impossible’ by James Arthur as he used to keep listening to it again and again and never got tired of it, had some fascination for this song. Sitting in front of the computer and laughing like an idiot while listening to ‘Love Song for No One’ by John Mayer. 🙂

This moment reminds me of a poem I had studied in school which explained how a bird is a live wire for a tree and when it leaves how everything in the tree becomes silent. People say daughters are the life of a family but my brother is the live wire of our house and it feels so lifeless when now he is not around.

I know he has only gone for two months but this time I just miss him so much. Come back soon.. 😥

Tiny Little Believer Losing Her Belief

It hurts. It hurts every single day. How can someone I love make me feel so small, so little that I feel worthless? How can a person drive a sword through my heart and expect me to be all happy about it? How can someone make me feel so terrible that I’m being forced to think that I am the worst person living among millions of other human beings in this world? How can you treat me like shit and at the same time expect me to love you back? How can you just put all the blame on me and not even expect me to say a word in my defense? How can you compare my feelings to that of someone else’s and expect me not to feel insulted? How can you say that I don’t feel the same way I used to do? Are you the one going through the pain? Are you the one staying up all night crying to yourself and waking up the other morning as if nothing happened? Are you the one putting a fake smile on your face every day you step out of your house? Are you??

Judging me in every little thing as if I have a hidden agenda just because I feel for you? How can you make me feel so shallow, so miserable? How??

Am I actually so small? So unimportant that I deserve to be treated like this? Have I not gone through enough struggles in my life that you HAVE to make my life worse for me every single day… Or every single second I breathe on this earth? Haven’t I done any good deeds in my life that could help me ask God to reduce my suffering? Have I behaved so badly with people that it’s now my time to pay back?

After everything I have done, every time I stood by you in your troubles, accepted the facts of life with you, does it actually come down to this? Does it actually come down to NOTHING? Every time I cared, every time I made an effort to improve our friendship, no matter how difficult things were getting between us, I THOUGHT it still meant something to you and you still end up doubting me on every road of our friendship.

But ‘reality’ just blew on face. I was wrong. I was wrong all the way long. I don’t mean anything to you. I’m equivalent to not being there in your life only. You are so ignorant when it comes to me that I feel like I am invisible not just to you, but to all the people around me. I feel so messed up that I try to suppress EVERY single emotion I feel because you just sunk this thought in me so deep that the “more you care, the weaker you are”. And tell me who wants to be weak in this world, in this world with people like you?

The more power I give you to hurt me, the more badly you do it.

I had always put OUR friendship over MY feelings. But it is so sad that you NEVER understood this and kept bringing my feelings between us. You no more understand me or maybe you never did and it was just an illusion that I had created in my life.

It has been a very very long time since you cared about me, only I couldn’t see it.

Forever Free For Monkey Meetings :P

As the clouds slowly take over the sky, the memories of school, in my mind flash by. Looking at the rain falling from the distant sky, I sit there recalling all the good times that I had spent in my life. 🙂

It was his first day of school when I saw those innocent eyes. Those tiny little feet that made their way through the crowd into the huge school. Remembering the time when I used to give my bag to my mother and would carry his bag with me, so that he did not have to take the load. Going back together in the same carpool was all the memory I had of him for a few years. Whenever I used to pass by the blue gate at the entrance of his house’s lane, would always remind me of the time we used to drop him home after school.

And soon time passed by, he grew in his world and I in my. I had forgotten that we both were in the same school also; before I again saw him in the volley ball court with those same innocent eyes he has of his mother. 😛

My school was getting over; there were hundreds of people I would never see in my life again. So I decided to thank everyone, whom I had known since I entered school, for being there in my life and having a small, but important role in it. A list of people was made so that I could make sure I didn’t miss anyone.

Finally Mayank’s name came. I typed the whole thank you part and back spaced it… It had been ages since I had my last conversation with him. I was obviously not sure that should I send it or not. Finally with a lot of courage I retyped the whole thing and pressed the enter button. And thought for a second “God only knows what is going to happen next…” And to my surprise his reply was “Yes! We’ll stay in touch for sure.” It felt like warmth in that winter season. Annddd… That is how we started talking once again…

312400_10151406055091293_485986677_nHe is one of the best people I have come across in my life. The most decent guy I could ever meet till date. Trusting him is so easy that at times it feels as if he is too good to be true. But, that no way stops me from sharing my silliest thoughts with him. It is one of the easiest things to have a conversation with him. He is that small kid who still loves watching Tom and Jerry but on the other hand, like all boys is a car freak. When he feels cold in winter, he feels cold and doesn’t think even for a second before admitting it. I can have my five minute depressed conversation with him and again get back to laughing at the most random thing. There is this charm he has with people which allows him to get away with everything he does. He is one person who surely knows how to be in the good books of his friends and other people around him. 🙂

Those long walks, the stupid conversations and the silly volley ball shots, I am going to miss everything. Calling him monkey and posting all those random photos on his wall, knowing he gets annoyed by them. I know it is not the end and we’ll stay in touch. But still… I am going to miss him more than I thought.

It is strange how suddenly we have come to know each other so well and I hope things continue to be as good as they are now between us. I hope he stays in my life so that I don’t get a chance to miss him only.

(A little courage helped me get my friend back.)

Love you hamesha and forever Monkey :*

He Made Me Feel How Freedom Felt :)

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
― John Lennon

I love surprises and Life has never failed to surprise me at any moment, be it in a good way or a bad way. I have learnt that nothing is permanent in our lives; happiness, sadness, friends, family, money or even things. Everyone has a small role to play, once they are done with their task they leave us and go. And it is bound for us to keep moving on with our life or else we will be left behind. And there will be a moment when it will be difficult for us to find our self. So it is better to start accepting things as they come or make such an effort so that we are able to change the things in our life.

I partly accept things as they come to me and partly take a risk to do things my way. The second half of my attitude has made me make big blunders in my life, but the first half has at times given me more than I deserve. Or maybe it is just that I value or appreciate the happiness I get a little more than others do, as I know how terrible it feels to go through the bad phase.

Last night I was lying on my bed and recalling all the events that happened during the day. Suddenly a thought passed by and I realized no matter how much my life is fucked up, it does not take my share of happiness from me.

May 3, 2013 was one of the longest days of my life that I actually enjoyed. Getting up at 5.30 in the morning and waking AB up. Making sure he comes to teach me. Lying down on the bed half asleep and asking myself ‘Am I dreaming or is he actually going to turn up?’ After 15 minutes my phone starts to vibrate and I somehow managed to look at the name flash and answered the call. 15 minutes and he would be there at my door step. I got up from my bed, washed my face, checked my call log once again to assure myself that I was not dreaming and suddenly realized that he was actually coming. He was there helping me with the study material for a few hours and soon we bid each other good bye by telling it was a pleasure meeting. He went back to his life and so did I. After struggling from my law and math tuition I headed back home, had lunch and rushed to my school for some paper work. Aaaaaannnddd surprise, surprise! He was also there. He was the last person I was expecting to crash into. (But.. Didn’t I tell you, I love surprises 🙂 )

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We spoke to each other as if there was this unknown trust between us which was so strong that we didn’t have to think twice before telling something. He walked me back to my house and the whole time I was looking at him and wondering is he the same person I used to see in school? The same one whom I made sure I was not near him or his group. And now the same person looked so different to me. He was mischievous and funny but yet so simple and comforting. Everything felt so light and so good. The day was my escape from reality. I felt free, maybe just for a few hours, but I could feel freedom all around me. Trust me at that point nothing could have felt better.

Friends help us make things so simple for us no matter how complicated the solution might be. But at least we know there is a solution and if not they do help us to take a break.

I have come to another conclusion that we should not judge people on how they look or with whom they hang out or spend time, it totally depends on who they are from within and how good they make us feel. And it feels good to feel the lightness of life. The feeling of having things in life without strings being attached to them, away from darkness and the gloomy world.

I am not sad because the day passed by knowing it will not come back to me soon, but I am smiling because I lived every moment of that day.

Keep Smiling 🙂

I Might Not Have Everything That I WANT, But I Have Everything That I NEED.

I always wanted someone to get down on his knees, holding a rose in his hand and confessing his feeling for me. Him being the first one to start my day and the last one I end it with. A person, who would fall for my smile over and over again no matter how many times he sees it. Making me feel like I am the most special person in his life, spending ample time with me so that I don’t feel like an unwanted person in his life. Someone who would trust me, respect me and never forget to show how much he loves me rather than telling me how much he does, I always wanted a fairy tale type Prince in my life who would make me feel like a princess. Who would actually prove the fact of “Happily Ever After” in my life and make me come alive.

Then comes a moment when I realized, think before you wish for something, it might just happen. The wish of my life came true. I guess I found someone who could give me what I wanted for so long. I would no more had to feel lonely; no more nights would pass by crying me to sleep. I could actually see the moments or things I had always wanted in my life actually find a way to reach me.

I always wanted more fairy tale moments or a beautiful, magical life. But it is not something I NEED in my life. I feel complete without being emotionally involved with someone. I feel content even when I don’t have a lover in my life. I am happy with whatever I have in life. My family, stud best friends 😛 and my wonderful close friends. There were times when I felt that there was a vacuum in my life, I used to feel empty, it used to feel as if I was missing something in life. But it is not true. I have been blessed by everything I need in my life.

Plus Economics and Business Studies have taught me to satisfy my needs first and then go for the things I want. The feeling I got when I felt content from within was out of the world. It was so calming. I felt complete even with all the flaws around me, within me.

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Maybe it is not necessary to have a boy friend in life. Sometimes we are complete in life without a few things being in it. And the fact that I love someone else.. Ummm.. my love for him is Pure. All I want him is to be there in my life. Give me a part of him. I guess that is all I need. He makes me believe in unconditional love. Though I do expect a few things from him, which is but natural as it is human nature to expect. But he makes me happy even with the smallest gesture of care. And I realized this is all I need and want in my life.

I have learnt how not to classify love, not to love people by the relationship tag. Love should be pure. If I love someone means I love that person. I can’t justify myself by how much I love him/her. Love doesn’t have boundaries, it is limitless, infinite.

At times we should get what we had always wanted in order to realize that we already have what we need. 🙂

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Friendship : The Best Relationship :)

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I am a teenager. For me, friends are my life. It is difficult to say who is my friend and who is not. Because there has always been a time in my life when someone comes like an angel, helps me get through the bad phase and then takes a back seat in my life.

Friendship is one relationship that means a lot to me. Because it has the least complications in it.

As a daughter, my parents expect me to grow up and carry out all responsibilities entrusted to me. As a sister, my brothers expect me not to go out for late night parties. As a girl, the society expects me to not let down my family’s respect by any wrong doing. BUT as a friend, my friends expect me to just be myself. 🙂

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Friends can’t listen when you tell them that you are low and don’t feel like talking, they can’t read if you leave a letter saying ‘go away from me’. Friends are just another creation of God, telling us that no matter how many good things come to an end, we have people to make our lives easy. Friends love you more than your lovers.

By definition friendship is the state of being friends.

But for me, Friendship is when I give my bag to my mother and carry his bag. It’s when I stay up all night on the other side of the phone to make sure I am there for him in time of need. It’s when I am out of text balance and she texts me Good Night with my reply too. It’s when I fight with him/her and still wait for them to call or message. It is when I say I’m okay and they look into my eyes and tell me not to lie. It’s when I get back to a person after years and still feel things haven’t changed. It’s when he tells me not to be shy and that he’ll do anything he can when I need him. It’s that hug which warms me in the cold winter. Its that silence in the room when I am with her doing my work, and all that matter is the presence of the person. It’s when I write a blog and she can connect with ever word of that post to her life. It is when I get mad at everything around me and they just sit there patiently and listen me crib about things. Its that smile which comes to my face when I look at them in the corridor. It is those silly volley ball shots that make me laugh even harder. It is those random conversations we have just to know each other properly. It is those calls which takes away the loneliness from my life. It is those long walks just to fill in each other about our lives. It is when I can’t stay angry for a long time because I have something important to say. It is that ‘Sorry’ we say because the person matters more than our ego. It is that loyalty which comes when the whole world is against me and they stand for my support. It is when I give up on everything and they never give up on me. It is that surprise visit I get just to cheer up my mood.

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Friendship is Love. Care. Affection.
And I am glad that I am blessed not only by one, but many friends in my life.

Keep your friends close to you. You might not know their importance now, but they all matter.
As we say “We need all the colours to complete our picture..”
🙂

I Love You

I don’t believe in the fact that people stay in your life for sometime, play their part and go away. Because I have someone in my life whom I love, have loved and will always love because she has been there when I didn’t even know the meaning of ‘Love’. She is no one else but Shivika. 🙂 Its been almost 14 years since we have known each other and more than 13 years since we have been friends or rather best friends..

13 years sounds soo long, yes it is actually very long. We actually have had innumerous number of moments and memories spent together. Its not like we haven’t gone through difficult times or never had fights or arguments. It’s just that we decided to stick to each other in all kinds of situations. Even when I gave up on everything, on her, she was always there. And the best part is she is still there. 🙂

I have learnt that it is not only actions but also words that help to keep up a relationship. I know I don’t tell her very often that how much it means to me, her being in my life. But all these years the feeling of this friendship for her has never decreased. It has always been there. Not only because I wanted it to go on but even because she made her best efforts to keep up with me, handle me, tolerate me and most importantly never gave up on me.

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From knowing each other as kids to being matured girls we have come a long way. From long walks to late night conversations. From a hi to a hug. From wiping tears to making each other laugh. From going away to staying close. From exchanging gifts to making cards for each other. From planning surprises to just meeting for a few minutes. I have loved you.

It is actually very difficult to write what I have felt all these years when you were around because it is just tooo much and this place is just soo small in comparison. But all I can say is thank you for always being there when I needed you and even when I wanted you. It really means a lot.

I love you.
Hamesha and Forever.
:* 🙂

Lost My Smile.

I am losing it all. Everyday, every second of my life feels like it is killing me from inside. All I feel like doing is to give up on people, on things, most importantly myself. I feel empty from inside. It seems as if happiness has left me forever. It is not that I don’t smile , I do. When I am with my family and friends. But there is something missing. There is this pain in my eyes which doesn’t seem to go.

I used to love talking over the phone, never used to run out of topics, never needed an effort to keep up with a conversation. But now I just go blank. Its like I want to talk but I just can’t. My friends message me and I just don’t feel like replying. There is something that is pulling me away from everything in my life. 😦

Its not that my life is fucked up or something. It is pretty normal. Maybe simple is not what I want right now. I can feel the change inside me. Trust me it does not feel good at all. Maybe this month had too many bad events in it. This was the first time I saw someone go from my life forever. I saw my friends not understanding me at me worst. I came to know that I am not important to a person who means soo much to me. 😦

The reason I don’t share my thoughts with others is because either I feel their own life is soo messed and I don’t want to add another problem to their list or they are happy with everything around them that I don’t want to ruin their happiness.

I want to be free. I want to fly, high. Away from everyone, all the drama and the expectation. I want to be the old ME. The one whose smile makes others come alive. The one who always used to jump around, was full of life.

All the happiness in me seems to drain out of my body. The worst part is I just can’t figure out what is actually disturbing me. The fact that I don’t know what is disturbing me, disturbs me more. 😦

I NEED a reason to smile. (Can’t believe I am actually saying this.)

My smile has been lost somewhere. If you find it please send it back to me. Thank you..

Achi Wali Feeling :)

Happiness. By definition means a state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

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In my life I have come across many happy moments, times when tears rolled down my eyes because I was soo happy, times when my stomach started aching because I laughed soo much. But we usually tend to forget all these moments when we are going through a bad phase and always question God ‘Why me?’ But I don’t get it He was the same person to give us all those wonderful memories in our life; there is obviously a reason why He is making us go through this tough time.

According to me, instead of being sad during the sad time we should be happy that now that we are going through such a terrible phase, God must have planned something very good beyond our imagination. And we should have a dose of difficult times so that we value the happy memories.

I once read in a poem “A thing of beauty is a joy forever..Its loveliness increase, it will never pass into nothingness”

Things that make me happy, jab achi wali feeling aati hai..

When I get up in the morning and rush to my mother to give her a tight hug and she smiles back and give me an even tighter hug.

When I sit next to my brother while he is driving the car, makes me feel how time flies and that he has turned 20 so fast.

When I get a morning wakeup call from that special person because my mood wasn’t okay the last night.

When I sit to write my blog and just can’t stop typing.

When I see that big smile on my Auntie’s face, after meeting her after years.

When I have a bowl full of ice cream.

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When that someone special calls me at night just to make sure I have a sound sleep.

When I meet my friends in school after a long holiday and have so much to tell them.

When I get a call from my friend and he/she tells to look out of the window as they are standing there just to say hi.

When my brother takes me out for shopping and tell me don’t look at the price tag and buy whatever you want to.

When I play with my father’s hair and doze off while sitting near his leg.

When I talk to a very old friend and seems as if nothing has changed in so many years.

When someone tries to make me smile as I’m upset of some reason.

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My list seems never ending. I am glad I have such wonderful people in my life who make my life worth living. Achi wali feeling aati hai.

Just remember one thing, we are humans, we have 50% happy and 50% sad times. So live life to your fullest because no matter what you can’t escape anything what life has in store for you..

Pain ..or something you can’t explain

Emotions. Feelings. It feels good when you have them in you, but it sure can mess up everything in your life. The moment when everything in your life seems to be normal but yet messed up. The feeling when you think no one in your life understands you. You can’t even explain your friends what you are going through. Even if they understand you perfectly, you don’t seem satisfied.

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All you want to do is sit and cry your heart out because you can no more bare the pain, the feeling. You feel like shouting out loud at that one person for whom you feel so deeply. You feel like telling him each and everything, that you feel for him and how intense it is. How difficult it is to stay like, just friends. But you know he won’t be able to take it. He is scared of commitment, can’t take decisions in his life. And you know you cannot afford losing him. You are just tired of convincing yourself that you’ll get through this. That something is better than nothing. You can actually feel that emptiness in your stomach when you miss him. You start acting weird and irritated because there are too many feelings piling up inside you and you have no idea what to do. Your mind and your heart is going in total opposite directions.

You start taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. Your heart is aching to explode. You think of giving him a call, thinking that if you hear his voice it might help you to calm down, but it is next to impossible to keep up a conversation with him.

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You rush to your mother to give her a tight hug, knowing it is the safest place in the whole world and tears roll down your eyes. But you somehow manage to hide them. She asks you what is wrong as your body has suddenly become so hot. You have no words to explain what you are going through.

You avoid looking at his photographs as it becomes impossible to control yourself, your emotions. You know he is not ready to listen to what you want to say even after he knows exactly how you feel for him. You lie down on your bed; listen to a slow song, which kind of worsens your condition at that time. But then slowly and slowly your heart gets back to its normal speed, you feel tired and go off to sleep. Because that’s the only thing you can do to get away from reality.

Once you get up, you have all the courage in the world to face all kinds of situations in your life. And you know that the only thing that keeps you going is YOU yourself. You have to wait. You know he is worth waiting for. Even if it kills you from inside, you know he is worth it, worth all your time.

A Day To Remember..

Fairy tales. From the very beginning we have been shown Disney movies, heard wonderful stories about Prince Charming, Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. But as we grow up slowly and slowly we stop believing in all the childhood stories we had heard. But there is always a small kid inside us, no matter how old we grow, it never forgets to ‘believe’.

All the stories we heard or saw taught us about love, friendship, good wins over the evil, making others smile and I can go on and on.

And finally I had my fairytale moment. 🙂

Looking at him from a distance and talking. Running down the stairs just to meet him for a few minutes because you don’t know if ever will you get such an opportunity once again. Capturing every moment in your memories while you are with him. Feeling your heart beat become faster and faster every time you look into those innocent eyes. Feeling that current which rushes through your body when he touches you. Shivering of your hands because you are just too nervous as, it is your first face to face conversation. But loving the feeling when he is around you. Just with you. All your feeling seem heightened. And then facing that sad moment that you have to leave him and go. It seems as if you have to come back to reality after living in your fantasy world.

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Every time I think about that time, I feel like reliving it again and again. You know how it feels, the urge to go back in your past to pick out that one particular memory and being in it, feeling everything you felt all over again. The excitement,  the tickle in your stomach, the small sweet smile that comes straight from your heart. The moment you had with him might be very simple. It might just be the two of you standing there, doing nothing. But at times all you need is ‘simple’. 🙂

But everything was worth it. For the look, the smile, the time. Everything in life seemed soo wonderful. Who says wishes don’t come true? Mine just did. :)The last line I wrote reminds me of the dialogue from the movie Om Shanti Om..

“Kehte hai, ke agar kisi bhi cheez ko dil se chaho to puri ki puri qayanaat tumhe use milaane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai.” 😛

My smile reached my eyes. 🙂

Yes. Maybe I Still Feel..

Someone yesterday asked me that do I still feel for him.. And I had nothing to say. My world stopped for a while. I did not know that should I say, yes or no.

The whole night I couldn’t sleep. Just realised that every little thing he told me, every little moment we spent together, every moment that has now changed into a memory is still there, somewhere deep within me. I am not sure of what I feel for him. But there is something that I feel. Something that still connects us. No matter how much we convince each other that we have moved on in our lives, we both know there will always be a small place in our hearts for each other.

It is not that I want him back in my life again. Neither do I love him anymore. But I know that if he asks me for help, I wont give it a second thought and will risk everything I have. Even after knowing the amount of pain I had to bare because of him. Maybe I would risk it all because we were friends at one point of time.

But somehow I should not feel like this. Maybe it is not right. But feelings are not supposed to be logical. Have I really let go of him from my life? Or have I just got used to the pain? The pain that rushes through my body every single time I look at him. Not because we are no more together, but because I lost the friend I had in him. And I know I have to live with this because even if I have a chance I wont accept him as a friend also.

But no one actually understands me. They all end up thinking that I still want him back in my life which is NOT true. There are some feelings which always stay and will never harm me in any way.

Every thing in life can be healed but the scars might not go. And the scars of my life remind me what I have gone through and I will not do anything so that I will have to go through the pain all over again..

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